


No good left fighting for

by confettisprinkles



Series: No good left fighting for [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, Alec has low self-esteem, Confident Magnus Bane, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Alec, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus is a Good Friend, Mental Health Issues, Protective Magnus Bane, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland, Supportive Magnus Bane, anxiety/panic attacks described
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-08-11 15:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16478549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confettisprinkles/pseuds/confettisprinkles
Summary: Alec Lightwood has been struggling for years before he tells Isabelle and Jace about his mental problems. Together they have been trying to deal with it. It's been two years since The Night and now Alec is doing a lot better-that's what he lets them think anyway. Right now, Alec acts like he always does, he just tries to survive day by day and sometimes he forgets why he is even fighting at all. That is until Magnus Bane shows up and makes his days just a little bit brighter.





	1. Enjoying the quiet

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I just wanted to let you know this is the very first fanfic I wrote, so bear with me :) I hope you do enjoy some of it! Some parts may be dark but I sometimes feel the need to write about my emotions as you may recognize yourself.  
> Let me know if you have some tips or if you want to share some thoughts about the story, I would really appreciate it!  
> Love, 
> 
> Confettisprinkles

Enjoying the quiet is the most beautiful thing if you think about it. Just listening, listening to the world moving around. The sound I like the most is the sound of birds chirping early in the morning, 

when there is still a haze floating above the enormous green fields filled with splashes of color in red, pink and purple from the fast-growing wildflowers, which are still covered by tiny drops of water. 

 

I lay down on my back on the damp grass and close my eyes to listen to the wind blowing through the trees and the rustling of leaves. I take big deep breaths and feel the crisp air filling my lungs. I let myself listen to mother nature for what feels like hours. When I notice my mind is finally calmed I open my eyes again and are met with the prettiest pink sky and see the sun, which is just about to rise. 

And in that moment I think maybe, maybe there is a chance to fight for life, for the things I care about. 

 

The reason I like to go to the fields is because it makes me calm down a little. Every time I wake up from those horrible nightmares I need to feel fresh air, I need to breathe. Normally I would walk around the block, but one time I ended up the hills and have been going there ever since. 

That is until I moved to New York. Now, I miss the open space. Only there I got to feel like I can be free. A place where I can finally breathe. Every time I came there I think it is going to be the last time I will break down because when I come to the fields I can see the things much clearer and have faith that everything will work out. 

 

But now I realize I am being too naive and just expect life to be wonderful to me. 

 

In reality the dark is the only thing I can count on. 

In the depths of the night it will take me down to the deepest, darkest paths of my mind. It’s the place where good doesn’t exist-- where there is no good in all the things I have done in the past. It’s the place where I finally realize what mistakes I have made, which people I have hurt in the process and what a fool I am for ruining every moment with the ones who seem to care for me. 

But the thing is they cannot care for me. 

They cannot love me. 

The only reason they keep up with me is because they are civilized people. There comes a moment when they say enough is enough. That is the moment when they finally figure out what a failure I am. 

 

The dark takes you down every moment you let your guard slip in the middle of the night. It drowns you-- drowns you in all your sorrows. Until there is nothing left to cry for. 

 

In the beginning I wanted to swim, to breathe and fight against it. 

Sometimes I think I can take control and push the dark back with all my strength, back the way it came, back into the hole called emptiness. 

But when I think I finally managed to find my way back on the land it throws me right back into the river where the current is too strong. I have no choice but give up and let it push me under water, into the darkness until I cannot swim anymore and drown into the darkness. 

What does it matter if I try to survive when I cannot win. The only thing I can do is making it easier for myself by giving up already. The only thing that will ever be easy for me. 

Because sometimes-- sometimes there is no good left fighting for at all. 


	2. A new record

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec thinks back to last week and feels okay for the first time in a while.

It’s been a week since my last break down. That’s a record. I try not to think too much about it because I don’t want to have my hopes up again.

Last week Izzy found me slumped against the bathroom floor with red splashed against the tiles. I didn’t even cut myself like I did a couple of years ago. I promised them I would never do that again. But she found me unconscious on the ground with blood splattered everywhere and a cut on my forehead so I guess she had every reason to think I had harmed myself on purpose.

 

Anyway that wasn't how it went down. The night before I had one of my panic attacks and I had been throwing up in the toilet. After I stood up again I felt really dizzy and wanted to lay down on my bed for a while, but then I - like the real fool I am - forgot the shelf above the toilet and banged my head against it. I felt blood trickling down my head and remembered falling into the darkness.

 

The next morning Izzy found me and I remembered waking up to her screaming for help. After she and Jace took care of my head they forced me to tell them what the hell had happened. I told them I was feeling terrible for a while now and apologized for not seeking help earlier, especially after the mistakes I made two years ago.

Like the good people they are, they weren’t even mad at me and just made sure I was okay now.

 

A week later and Izzy and Jace are still trying to cheer me up like they always do and try to not upset me. They understand things I don’t even understand myself. I let them take care of me even if I should be taking care of them. As an older brother you have a responsibility to keep, but trying to fight against them is like trying to make gold. It is impossible.

I would rather let them think they can help me and see them happy then ruin their day as well.

 

Before last week I couldn’t see anything worth living for, but yesterday I managed to see a small light in the darkness. I had an enjoyable time while having dinner with Izzy, Jace, Simon and Clary. I wasn’t even afraid to eat. Normally I would have the felt the need to hide from them so they won’t see how pathetic I am with food or how I behave like a moron who cannot have a normal conversation with people.

 

This week I feel more energized. I think I will go for a run this morning. Maybe it is because what happened three days ago. _No Alec don’t even think about it, it will not do you any good, even if it felt good._ I had so much fun, when I look back I cherish the moment and feel like I was worthy of his precious time. But thinking back to that moment now won’t do me any good. I have to move on, I only saw him once. He probably forgot about me already.

 

“Alec!”

Izzy stormed into my room without knocking-- as usual, “We are leaving right now so I will see you tonight okay?”

Right. Tonight,  I remembered.

“Yes Izzy I will be there, don’t worry”, I tried to reassure her.

“It’s supposed to be fun Alec, don’t look like you are going to make an exam”, she messes up my hair and prepares to leave.

“If you keep doing that I won’t be coming along”, I sigh and try to fix my hair.

Izzy blows me a kiss. “As long as you remember”, and she disappeared behind the door.

 

I decided it’s time to get up. First thing I do in the morning is shower. A habit I formed after waking up so many times in sweaty clothes and damp bed sheets.

After feeding Church I decided to go wild and have breakfast as well. Normally, I would skip it because at lunch time I will have thrown up already and I see no point in trying to get my food down. But as today has been fine until this moment I head to the kitchenette. It is a small place but Jace, Izzy and I couldn’t afford a bigger apartment. As long I have them besides me where I can look out for them, I am happy to live anywhere.

Eating my Honey Loops I enjoy my calm morning by watching Planet Earth. Church is curled up besides me on the couch. What a perfect life he must have, eating, napping and not having to worry about the wonderful thing called human life. Planet Earth, however, I do enjoy. The program reminds me of the beautiful nature just like the flower fields. I was so immersed into a story about penguins I didn't hear my phone beeping, at first.

 

**“Hey beautiful, already awake?”**

 

Magnus. O my god. He texted me. Why did I even gave him my phone number? I thought he was just bored that one time and was fooling me. I didn’t think he was actually going to do something with it. Truthfully, I even forgot I gave him that, just so I could trick myself into thinking I had no chance in seeing him again.

I slided my hands through my hair and grumbled. Why on earth would he text me? I would have thought he had enough of me after one conversation.

What am I supposed to do now? Do I text back? What do people even text back to some comment like that, because beautiful ain’t me.

 

**A: Hi Magnus, how are you?**

_‘How are you’, you idiot, maybe he doesn’t even want a conversation right now, he is probably too busy to mind about your stupid life._

 

**M: I am exquisite, darling, thanks for asking.**

**However, my morning would be even better if I could see you, care to join me at Maia’s coffee corner?**

 

He wants to see me again?! I don’t understand this guy. How does me seeing him makes his morning better. I have nothing to add to his already wonderful life. But even if I am being selfish I certainly do want to see him again. And now I have to say no because I can’t let Jace down. He would kill me if I cancelled our gym time one more time.

 

**A: I am very sorry Magnus, but I can’t.**

 

**M: Don’t worry darling, another time then.**

 

 **A: Yes I would really love that.** _Great now you look clingy like you starve for human contact - sad thing it is true - like the guy will care for your pathetic life._

 

**M: So do I Alexander, have a great day X**

 

This guy is exceptional. Why did I deserve this?

 

**A: You too Magnus.**

 

After being lost in thought about how I got this lucky to meet him I have to hurry to the gym because Jace already texted me two times asking where I am. Saying bye to Church and grabbing my gym bag I run out the door on my way to the gym. Today, I think to myself, is going to be a great day.


	3. Karma Points

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time it's Magnus' point of view from their first meeting.

It’s 2 PM when I finally get ready for the day. Yesterday’s party had been an absolute pleasure but as usual I stayed too long and after Alexander’s rejection of my plan to meet at Maia’s I decided I deserved a little bit more sleep. After all, I don’t get this pretty face without my beauty sleep.

I made sure Chairman Meow is fed and then got ready to meet up with Clary for lunch. I keep thinking about the conversation with Alexander three days ago, while going through my clothes. It isn’t the first time, the guy has been on my mind ever since.

 _Get yourself together, Bane._   _You spoke to the man once. Last time you got head over heels it ended nasty and you don't want to repeat it, now do you?_

Alexander however was a man that would steal your heart without you even noticing it. It’s the type of person who isn’t even aware of his charms. He is the sweetest man who would apologize to you when you are the one running him over on the streets. It’s the type of soul who puts the needs of others first before his own. And that’s both a beautiful and sad thing.

 

It was actually an accident I met him that day.

Just like any other day I was getting my coffee at Maia's before going to college. I was waiting in line behind a certain tall, dark and handsome man when I heard him take his order - who even drinks a triple Americano when you can order a skinny Peppermint Mocha with extra whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles, but okay that’s not the point here - and he forgot to take his wallet with him so there stood the poor guy without any money. Being in a good mood and feeling sorry for him when the barista scolded at him I decided to be his savior for the day.

 

“I will take his order as well”, I told the barista, while taking out my wallet.

“No- It’s okay, you don’t have to pay for me”, Alec said while scratching his neck and turning into the deepest shade of red, looking cute as frick.

“Oh darling It’s no big deal, besides how else are you gonna walk out that door?, I said with raised eyebrows to emphasize my point. The tall man could not give an answer to that so he accepted my offer silently. I handed him his cup,  after I ordered my own mocha.

 

“That was kind of you, you didn’t have to do that”, he said again.

“Well how else am I going to earn my Karma points for today?”, I tried giving him my most serious face and sipped my coffee. At that the handsome man threw his head in his neck and gave the most heartfelt laugh I ever heard - I wanted to hear it again and be the cause of it.

“”Well I suppose you do deserve them, again thank you”,  Alec said shyly.

“No problem, darling”, I waved his words away, because who wouldn’t help this gorgeous blue-eyed man with his innocent look.

 

“Although the least you can do is give me is your name”, I tried being smooth as I am.

“It’s- uh Lightwood…- Alec”, he rushed out. Seeing the curious look on my face he corrected himself. “I- I mean Alec, my name is Alec Lightwood.”

“It’s short for Alexander I assume?”, I asked him giving him an expression I hoped would calm his nerves. Seeing the surprise and an amused little smile in the corner of his mouth he told me, “Yes it is actually.”

“Well Alexander, care to join me at a table?”, I said while giving him an honest smile.

“I still got some time before I need to go to college”, I said as if I need a reason to want talk with this pretty man. After seeing a bewildered expression on his face by being asked sometime like that, he seemed to consider it for a second.

“Uh- yes, I mean if- uh, I am not in your way”, he seemed to be careful with his words, like he is not sure he is wanted here.

“Most definitely not, now please sit down”, I gestured towards the table.

 

After sitting both in a comfortable silence for a moment I tried to break the stillness by asking him if he lives in the neighborhood. He started talking about how he just moved here a few months ago with his siblings as he goes here to college too and after a while it was clear to me that by the way he talked about them he loved his siblings and friends very much and would do anything for them in a heartbeat. We stayed for at least one hour and I still needed to know more about this man and his intriguing blue eyes, which lit up every time he talked about the people he loves. Although, every now and then his eyes darken for just a second, like he realizes something and it makes him sad, but every time he seems to snap out of it and returns back from his thoughts. I wanted to ask him what’s wrong but it didn’t seem appropriate as it seemed too personal to ask, so I decided to leave it.

 

I looked on my phone and saw I had just ten minutes left to head to college.

“Ooh shit, I need to go or Catherine will kick my ass.”

Alec looked sad for a moment when I told him I had to go but he gave me a small smile.

I quickly threw everything in my bag, “Well Alexander I really enjoyed our little time here,” I said while giving him a big smile, “I do hope I will see you around.”

“Yeah me too Magnus, have a nice day”, he said being coy.

I rushed out the door when I realized I haven’t even got his phone number so I ran back inside.

Surprised to see me running back inside, Alec still sat at the table and gave me a worried look.

“I forgot to ask you, can I have your number so I can call you when I have trouble earning my Karma points?”,  I tried being as subtle as I am. Clearly it worked though because Alec stared at me for what felt like a solid minute and turned into the brightest red.

“Uh, yeah sure”, he said, while looking confused and simultaneously suppressing a smile. he scribbled something on a napkin and handed it to me.  

“Okay now I need to go, have a great day Alexander”, I said while giving him a wink and walking away for the second time- which was getting tougher I must add.

 

Remembering the conversation I realized this wasn’t even the most straightforward I had been in my life, but as Catherine would say: “if Magnus Bane has something on his mind you rather hope it’s something in your favor or otherwise you are gonna have a tough time.”

After spending an hour in my walk-in closet - the only closet I will ever be in mind you -  I deemed myself presentable in a casual outfit of black slacks, a yellow glitter t-shirt, a light blue denim jacket and to top it off my black beanie. I send Clary a text to let her know I was finally on my way to meet her.

Today is going to be a good day I thought to myself as I walked out my apartment.

  
  
  



	4. Mr. Glitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec spends a evening with his wonderful friends, or are they?

It’s been a while since I trained with Jace but this time it felt amazing. We have been sparing for an hour now and are both out of breath and sweating tremendously.

“Alright buddy I think that’s enough for today”, Jace said while throwing me a bottle of water.

“What, are you already tired of me kicking your ass?”, I asked teasingly, while catching the bottle.

“Ha ha very funny, don’t you think it was the other way around?”, Jace said while messing up my hair- it must be a Lightwood thing especially designed for Alec because they keep doing it every. single. time.

“For real bro, today was a good work out, I haven’t seen you a lot in the gym lately but you seemed to be in a flow”, Jace tried finding the right words to express he saw how ‘good’ I have been doing this week.

 

This happens every time I realize. I get a break down, I get back on my feet and try to start over. They notice and are happy for me when I seem to enjoy life a bit more. This is why I feel guilty every time I mess up again. They get their hopes up and I disappoint them every time. I am their big brother and am supposed to take care of them, but instead I let them down. And it hurts- it hurts that I can’t be what they expect me to be. But for now I push it away. They have been there for me last week, keep checking up on me, making sure nothing triggers me. And for that I am grateful.

So I tell him, “Yes it does, thanks Jace, for helping me out.”

“Anytime buddy”, he says while slapping me on my shoulder.

I grab my stuff and head to the lockers. “Alright see you tonight Jace.”

“Yeah don’t you dare forget!”, Jace says pretending to be serious, only for the sake of Izzy.

 

When I am finally home again and fresh as a daisy I can’t help but think about Magnus. He was just so nice to me and genuinely interested in what I told him. Like I was important. And it felt good for once, to be heard, to be cared about. Not that Izzy and Jace don’t care about me, but they are family and are supposed to. Magnus was just some stranger guy - well certainly the most beautiful stranger - and he didn’t need to help me out or actually talk to me after that. It seemed like he could see inside me and wanted to take away the pain for a while even if he didn’t know there was any pain.

Then an idea popped up in my head. Why not ask him to come along too tonight?

 

_Don’t be stupid Alec he doesn’t like you that way, you are just being pathetic. Who would love you like that? Some broken guy who can’t even be around normal people? Like he isn’t busy enough living his own life. He doesn’t need your crap to deal with._

 

I sighed. Well I guess Magnus has something better to do than hang around with me. And just like that I felt terrible again. Chairman curled up beside me on the couch and I lay there for a while before I drifted off in a long sleep…

 

\------

SIX HOURS LATER I woke up at eight o’clock in the evening. I looked on my phone to see if I had any messages and saw I had three missed calls from Izzy and a text from Jace warning me about Izzy being mad if I didn’t turn up on time. Well that escalated quickly…

Fixing my hair and throwing on my leather jacket I ran out the door to get a cab and got as soon as I can to the Pandemonium where everybody will already be waiting.

 

As soon as I am inside Izzy walks up to me in her high heels, “You promised you would be on time Alec!”, she said as she punched me on my chest.

“Well actually I said I would be here, not that I would be one time”, I tried but she gave me a glare and I stopped because I knew she would win the argument anyway.

 

We walk to the round table where Jace, Clary, Simon and Maia are already sitting. After I settle down next to Izzy and Clary the waitress asks me if I would like anything to drink. Tonight we sit in the VIP area as we are celebrating Izzy’s 21st birthday. I could finally give Izzy my present, after I ordered a gin tonic.

“Aww Alec you didn’t have to!”, knowing she wanted this for a long time now and I am just glad to make it come true. I booked her a masterclass at a fashion company called _Bizz_ so she can finally make those pictures she needs for her portfolio. Izzy has been into the modeling business for one year now and whines every time that her portfolio isn’t good enough. Even though I tell her every time she is doing great as I remind her she walks fashion shows in Milan and here in New York, I know she won’t take me seriously because the only clothes I own are black and as she calls them ‘not the fashionable kind of black’ whatever that’s supposed to mean.

I'm pleased to see Izzy is happy with my present. Izzy is most fierce woman I know but at the same time she is the kindest soul I've ever met and she deserves the world. It’s for moments like this I am glad to be part of her life.

But as I am only allowed to have one moment of peace the next is going to be all about embarrassing me.

 

“Soo Alec, I heard you met Mister Glitter a couple days ago?”, Maia said while sipping her Margarita and pretending to look innocent, as she knows damn well Izzy would love to hear about my love life, now that I think of it Maia loves to spill the tea so yeah it really isn’t a surprise.

“What Alec! Why didn’t I hear about this sooner?”, Izzy squeaked while clapping in her hands like an excited kid in a candy store.

“I have no idea what you're talking about” I tried to deny, while fully being aware that Maia and Izzy weren’t going to let this go easily.

“So you weren’t at my coffee shop and you also didn’t forget to bring your wallet?”, Maia teased. I just tried to glare at her for calling me out.

“Honestly Alec, you know you can just say you know me and will pay me later”, she continued.

“But they wouldn’t believe me if I did”, I tried, feeling stupid enough.

“”Aha! So you _were_ there!”, she said while laughing.

“No trying in denying that now buddy”, Simon said while I gave him a glare as well. I seriously was debating whether I need new friends or just stick with these goofs.

 

“Alright, alright”, I said while I bring my hands above my head, “Yes I did see Magnus and we just talked for a bit.”

“Ooh you mean _the_ Magnus Bane?”, Izzy asked being pleased with all the information she was getting out of this conversation, “He got some real fashion sense, you could learn something from him.”

“I like my clothes thank you very much”, I scoffed and took a gulp of my gin tonic.

“Yeah let him be guys, I like your emo style Alec”, Clary said giving me a wink. I silently thanked her for having my back.

“Soo when are you going to see him again Alec?”, Izzy asked trying to be subtle - which doesn’t exist in her world, by the way.

“Who says I will?”, I tried to stall the inevitable question.

“Well I suppose you have his number?” Izzy asked while raising her eyebrows, “It is Magnus Bane after all.”

Feeling a little bit angry at that comment I told her, “Well actually, no I don’t, because he is not a narcissist if that’s what you are trying to say.”

“Woah- easy there brother, that’s not what I meant, I meant Magnus Bane has great taste so he probably wouldn’t let a handsome man like you slip away.”

Oh shit why did I have to be so rude to her, I mentally scold myself.

“Sorry Iz, I didn’t mean it like that”, I realized not being fair to her, “He does have mine though.”

“Isn’t that convenient”, Jace wiggled his eyebrows at me.

Feeling more embarrassed by the second I decided it was enough talk about Magnus.

“Well I don’t know about that, but if it is I certainly wouldn’t let you guys know”, I said while chugging the rest of my drink in one go.

“Alright, fair enough we deserved it”, Jace admitted.

“Well I just hope you are happy no matter what choice you make big brother”, Izzy whispered to me. Giving her a small smile I told her, “Yeah I will Izzy, don’t worry.”

 

The rest of the night was actually pretty fun. We enjoyed some drinks and talked all night - I even managed to endure a conversation with Simon about Star Wars. At some point Izzy and Clary got to the dance floor and the rest of us played some pool. At the end of the night I was pretty hammered and glad to finally take a cab home to sleep a thousand hours if possible. With feeling all warm and fuzzy I went to bed, thinking back to the wonderful evening and dreaming sweet dreams about a certain handsome Asian man.


	5. Utter loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time you will read a bit more about Alec's mental health situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi it is time for a update :) It's a sad one, but I felt like I really needed to share some more insight about Alec's feelings. I hope to write longer chapters in the future, but I do hope you enjoy this small update in the mean time. Thank you for taking the time to read this story :)
> 
> Love, confettisprinkles

When I woke up sunlight was already pouring into my bedroom. I looked at my alarm clock and saw it was already 4 o’clock in the afternoon. Well that makes sense. It’s a good thing it’s Saturday though. Izzy and Jace must be already working their shifts at Maia’s.

I swinged my legs out of bed and wanted to get up, but then I almost blacked out and fell to the floor.  Luckily, I caught myself on time by supporting myself with my hands on the nightstand.

My head was pounding like crazy and my vision started to blur.

Usually I don’t drink that much but last night might have been a bit much. _You think? Wow you are a genius._

 

Rummaging through my nightstand I find some pain killers. Deciding I am not much use like this I go back to bed, but no matter how hard I try to get some sleep, my mind wouldn’t stop spinning around.

Two hours later and I am still awake. I decide to make myself some tea and pass some time on my phone. I scroll through my Instagram and see some pictures from last night. Izzy with her eyes close and concentrating hard on making a wish before she blows out the candles of her birthday cake. Maia sticking her tongue out while trying to figure out how to build a card house without blowing the whole thing up. Jace trying to impress Clary by telling her some ‘cool’ story and Clary laughing her butt off. Simon looking at Izzy like a lovesick fool even though she didn’t notice.

 

Last night was a real blessing. I had so much fun, I honestly couldn’t remember when I felt this happy.

But simultaneously I felt like something was missing. Like something I didn’t notice before but now I do and I can’t stop thinking about it. But I can’t figure out what it is exactly. I feel like I am an outsider who is trespassing. I watch and I hear the people but I am not a part of the group. Without me it would have been the same fun night. I can’t help but think that I have nothing to add. Like I am not seen. Not wanted. It’s that moment when you are in the middle of a group of people but you feel like you are not mentally there. Like they all pass by you but they don’t wait for you to catch up. You want to run after them, but they don’t notice you and leave you behind. And you can’t do anything to prevent them from running away from you. The only thing that’s left is emptiness. That black hole in the middle of your chest.

 

Suddenly I get hit by this feeling of complete and utter loneliness. That black hole is getting closer and once you get sucked up you only see darkness and feel nothing. Or feel everything at once instead.

_Next time Alec, they won’t even invite you. You didn’t add any interesting to the conversation yesterday so why invite a loser like you? You don’t deserve their kindness. You don’t deserve their presence._

My head feels terrible again but I can’t stop thinking.

 _It’s selfish of you to think you can enjoy yourself while you give nothing to them. You are pathetic._ It’s true and it hurts. I close my eyes, but they keep stinging. II can’t stop the tears from falling down, _Go cry your eyes out, but don’t ruin their happiness. Do yourself a favor and disappear. You feel terrible? Well, that’s on you. You hurt them all the time so you deserve to feel likes this._ I try to breathe but I can’t. My throat won’t open up and I can’t breathe in through my nose. I try to reach my phone but my hands tremble like crazy. Instead I let my phone fall on the ground. You can’t _even manage to complete a simple task, Just like you fuck everything else up._ Wheezing and coughing to get some air into my lungs, I stumble to the ground and manage to pick up my phone. After failing again to breathe I finally manage to press the button and  call Izzy.

“Iz- I .. Sorry- I-I.. Can’t. Breathe. Can…   - can you come?”, I finally manage to choke out.

“Alexander is that you?”, I hear on the other side of the line and realize I didn’t call Izzy.

I freak out even more than I already do - is that even possible - in this moment. I internally scream at myself while still trying to breathe, which still isn’t working.

 

“Alexander, can you hear me? Listen to me alright, try to breathe with me”, I hear Magnus inhale exaggeratedly, “Just breathe in”, and while I listen to him I try.

“That’s it and now breathe out”, I try to copy him but it doesn’t work.

“Okay Alec, I need you to only listen to my voice, focus on my breathing”, Magnus says calmly. I try again and this time I get a decent amount of air into my lungs.

“Yes Alec, you are doing great, now keep breathing just like that”, again Magnus breathes in with me.

 

We stay on the phone like that for what feels like an hour but I noticed on the phone screen that our conversation just passed ten minutes. When I am finally able to breathe normal again, I try to speak.

“I-Magnus I am so sorry for calling you,” I say with a raspy voice, “I tried to call Izzy but I made a mistake, I swear it-”, I keep rambling but then I got cut off by Magnus, “Alexander stop it! You have nothing to apologize for, it’s okay don’t worry about it.”

“But I..”, I tried again.

Magnus was taking none of it, “No seriously Alexander I want to help you like a friend so don’t you dare let yourself feel sorry about it.”

“Alright, thank you Magnus”, I said and I meant it.

After a short silence Magnus continued talking, “You know, if you ever want to talk about it Alexander, I’m here for you.”

I felt like I could if I wanted to, because he made me feel calmer already. But then I cannot help but think he is probably just being kind.

“No it’s okay, I am already feeling better, I don’t want to bother you all evening, again I’m s-”, but then I realize Magnus won’t accept it if I try to apologize one more time so I cut myself off this time.

“Alright if you say so darling”, getting the feeling he truly understands me and I feel relieved he isn’t trying to pry.

“Magnus, thank you for helping me, I appreciate it.”, I tried to express my gratitude.

“Anytime darling”, he said and I feel like he meant it.

“Although I do like to call with you, I hope I can see your pretty face another time?”, I see him practically wink at me.

At this moment however, I was grateful that he couldn’t see my reddened face, “Well how about a coffee tomorrow morning?”, I asked feeling like I owe him, since he had to endure my pathetic self.

“Yes that sounds wonderful! I will text you if I’m running late though, which happens a lot I’m afraid.”

I laughed a bit at that. I could feel Magnus was trying to make some light conversation, but it was working though.

“Alright see you tomorrow then, good night Magnus.”

“Good night darling”, and after that I hung up.

I climbed back into bed and was just about to put my phone away when I got a text:

 

**Sweet dreams darling x**

 

And with that I dozed off into a wonderful long sleep.


	6. Let it all out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus feels terrible for Alec and wants to help him badly. They meet up again and it turns out quite well or does it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!  
> Sorry it took a while for me to write the next chapter. I didn't felt much like writing, but yesterday I finally got some inspiration so I hope you like it! :)  
> Feel free to comment or give any tips!
> 
> Love,  
> Confettisprinkles

After the call with Alec I feel very confused. I tried to stay calm while I tried to help him through his panic attack and I certainly do hope I didn’t show him any signs that I felt terrified. At first I thought Alec was in real danger. Like he had been in an car accident or something and he just called the first person in his contact list. But then I remembered having panic attacks myself when I was younger and I took immediate action. When I had these I always called my mom and she would do the same time as I did to help calm Alec down a couple minutes ago.

 

I worry because I didn’t expect Alec to have this kind of trouble in his life. Yes sometimes I did see a glimpse of sadness, but I didn’t assume that it was this serious. It breaks my heart that Alec seems to be struggling. I remembered that he said he actually was trying to call Izzy, I assume he meant Isabelle, his sister. I guess that makes me feel a little bit less worried. At least someone he cares about knows about his struggles. Alexander sounded like he was terrified I would hang up on him as soon as he could breathe normal again. He must have had a bad experience when you expect people to be that cruel to you, so I think I can’t blame him for feeling that way.

 

I really do want to help him, though. He needs to know that it is okay to hurt sometimes, but you need people to get you through it. He needs to see how wonderful life can be and that you don’t have to bleed. I am relieved he wants to see me again. I didn’t expect him to ask me along for a coffee tomorrow! I guess I need to get know him better.

_Well isn’t that convenient for you._

Okay, I guess I am lucky Alec wants to see me this soon, because I certainly cannot wait. He is a real gem. The most honest person and kindest guy I have met in awhile, so it definitely doesn’t hurt to meet up with him again. Although he probably doesn’t me _that way_ \-- and that’s okay for now, because he needs a friend, someone he is comfortable telling his troubles to and a shoulder to cry on if needed.

And I hope one day I can be that person to him.

 

\----

THE NEXT MORNING I wake up to Chairman Meow walking over my face. In the distance I hear the sound of my alarm clock. The music gets louder until I am fully awake. I look on the screen and see it’s already 11:13 AM. Shit, shit, shit!! I was supposed to meet Alec at 10 o’clock. I jump out of bed and hurry to the bathroom to get myself ready. Ten minutes later I am fully dressed- which is a miracle in itself because normally it takes me like two hours to make myself look somewhat presentable - and I finally look at the messages on my phone. I got two text messages from Alec.

 

**[10:15] Hey, I suppose you weren’t joking when you told me you would run late haha :) Don’t worry I already got you some coffee to go. See you soon Magnus.**

 

**[10:45] I am really sorry Magnus but I need to go to my lecture right now, talk to you soon?**

 

He even got me some coffee! He is too cute. O My God you are so stupid Bane. He waited half an hour for nothing. I have to make it up to him.

 

**Alexander I am so sorry! Let me make it up to you. How about a lunch date?**

Oh shit I hope he doesn’t take it the wrong way, I did mean it as friends- well only for his sake to be honest but oh well a man can dream.

 

A minute later he already texted back.

 

**Yeah that sounds lovely. Meet me at the library on campus at 2 PM?**

 

**Alright I will meet you there, I promise I will be on time ;)**

 

After made sure my friendship isn’t in danger anymore I rushed to college. The minute I get there Catherine almost attacks me.

 

“Magnus Bane you promised me not to be late again. You can’t afford any slacking off this semester, remember?”, she says while punching me on my chest.

“Yes I do but that’s why I have you right?”, I told her looking serious.

“O darling you will me need me always”, she tells me while flipping her hair back.

And that’s exactly why I love this woman so much. She doesn’t care about what others think of her. If someone is being rude to her she just shrugs. “You don’t know what’s going on in their lives, Magnus”, she would say. Cat is the most thoughtful person I know and always sees the best in people. But at the same time  she doesn’t take crap and also tells people the truth if needed. You don’t play games with this lady, because she would destroy you. Cat always tells me how it is whenever I need someone to kick my ass. She understands me better than anyone and I am really proud to call her my family, albeit not by blood.

 

On our way to the lecture hall she asked me, “Magnus why are you looking so well put together when you needed to hurry?”, she squinted her eyes. This woman notices every single detail. And there is no chance getting away with it, because she would hunt you down if that’s the last thing she does.

“I am going out for lunch today”, I tried to be casual about it.

“Oh really and who is so lucky to go on a date with the magnificent Magnus Bane?”, she tried being subtle- which isn’t a talent of hers and never will be.

“Why do you assume it is a date?”, I stalled.

“O I just know, so no point in trying to deny it, Casanova”, she tried to provoke me.

“Alright, alright woman just chill already”, I held up my hands and smiled at her. She knows me too goddamn well.

“First of all, it’s not a date”, I wanted to be very clear about that. I like Alexander, maybe a little more than friends, but I can’t pretend it is a date when I told him I just wanted to meet up like friends do.

“Second of all you don’t know him, I met Alexander a few days ago at Maia’s”, I said putting my bag on a table and sitting down in a chair.

“Hmm Alexander, that name doesn’t ring a bell.  He goes to college here?”

“Yes he does actually, he studies English Literature and lives nearby campus with his siblings.”, I catched myself being way too excited about sharing this little piece of information about a person I just met.

“Ooh Magnus, you have it bad already, don’t you?”, Cat teased me, knowing just as well as I, that seems the case and the last time it didn’t ended very well.

“Well, yes maybe so, I don’t know”, I said being frustrated with myself.

“Magnus”, Cat started and put a hand on my shoulder, “It’s okay to love again, you know that right? You deserve to be happy”, she give me a small smile, knowing exactly how I feel right now.

“Yeah I know, it’s just that I am not sure he even sees me that way”, I sighed.

“Well you are Magnus Bane, I’m pretty sure he would like you”, she said with confidence. The professor started talking about fashion designers in the 90’s which is actually an interesting topic so we decided to keep quiet until the end of the lecture.

 

**\-------**

AFTER TWO HOURS of lecture I was starving, because I didn’t have breakfast this morning. I said bye to Catherina who wished me luck and I went on my way to the library, which was sadly on the other side of the campus. I walked for ten minutes before I got there. While standing in front of the library I realized we didn’t even say where we exactly would meet, so I decided I would just walk around to see if I can find Alec. I walked past rows of enormous bookcases with ancient and extra large books.

I finally saw Alec at the end of a row. He was sitting at a large table which was covered with all heaps of paperwork and books. He seemed to be in the middle of a study session depending on the focused look on his face. When I walked up to him he only noticed me when I was standing right before him-- he is so cute I want to hug him so badly, but I manage to contain myself _Keep it together Bane you don’t want to scare him off_.

At first he looked confused when he saw me, but then realization dawned on him. “Ooh shit Magnus I forgot the time”, he looked worried, like I only came here to tell him it’s too late to have lunch and then storm off.

“Alec it’s okay it’s just ten past two, we have got plenty of time, don’t worry”, I tried to reassure him.

“Alright let me grab my stuff and we are good to go”, he looked instantly happier.

We walked together to the little cafe next to the library and I asked him about his day. We ordered some green smoothies and a sandwich and sat down. Alec talked about his weekend and the birthday party of his sister. Like last time he seemed so happy when he talked about his family. he must be really proud of them.

“But anyway enough about me, how are you doing?”, he asked genuinely curious.

“Well I had a calm weekend, I went to see my friend Ragnor, who now lives in London but sometimes comeback to visit me and Catherina.”, I told him, already missing Ragnor. I told Alec about how he and I grew up together in Brooklyn. He was always there for me when things with my mom went bad. My mom had lung cancer so a lot of the time she couldn’t take care of me. Ragnor is five years older than me so he was like a big brother to me. His and my mother were best friends so naturally we grew close as well and when my mom died they didn’t doubt for a second and took me into their home. However, last year he decided to move to London to study literature there and I decided to rent an apartment for myself and go to college here in New York. I miss him very much but I also think he has to follow his dreams.

“It must have been hard to see your mother in pain”, Alec remarks, being very careful with his words, like he is not sure if I want to talk about that.

“Yes it was, my mother was always so strong even during her fight, but then life took another path”, I told him, feeling both sad and grateful to have a mom like mine, trying to convey with my eyes that it is okay for him to ask, because I trust him.

“I am sure she would have been proud of you”, Alec said with confidence. That’s a side I don’t see often from Alec, but I notice it’s mostly when he talks about others or the ones he cares about.

“Thank you Alexander, I really appreciate it”, I said while laying my hand on his to pass across my gratitude. He didn’t remove his hand though, so we stayed like that for a while.

“Listen Alec, about the other night..”, I started trying to decide the best way to handle this. Alec however started to tense up and pull his hand back. “Magnus, please I-I can’t talk about it”, he rushed out.

“Alexander, really it’s okay”, I noticed Alec was getting white as a sheet, “Hey listen to me, we don’t have to talk about it now”, I tried to set him at ease. “I just wanted to let you know that if you ever want to talk about it that I am here for you, okay?”, I tried again. Just to make sure he understood that I get him I told him, “To be honest I have been in a similar situation myself.”

And that got his attention, for the first time he dared to look up to me. “Really you had these too?”, like he actually couldn’t believe it. I give a small laugh at that, to break the tension. “yes I did, I learned to handle them”, I tried to reconnect with Alec’s hands which were back at the table and he didn’t reject so I took them carefully in my hands, ”I just need you to know that you don’t have to be embarrassed and it’s okay to accept help if you need it.” Alec looked down to our hands, like he was afraid to look up, but nodded and that was enough to let me know he understands.

“What do you say? How about we go grab a movie right now?”, I tried to lighten the mood.

“Actually there is this movie, I've wanted to see for a while now”, Alec began, “Do you like the Fantastic Beasts movies?”, He asked not being sure whether I really would join him.

“Are you kidding! I love them!”, I cheered, “let's get going then!”

 

**\-------**

THE MOVIE WAS over at the end of the afternoon and the sun was already going down since it's in the middle of the winter. “I had a great time today Magnus.” I said while we walked back to the subway. “Me too Alexander”, Magnus smiled softly. During the movies Magnus and I touched shoulders, but in the middle of the movie I suddenly felt Magnus’ fingers trying to entwine with mine and I couldn't move my hand away. I didn't want to. It felt extremely nice and warm. So we stayed like that for the rest of the movie until the credits and out of the corner of my eyes I saw Magnus smiling, just like me. In that moment I couldn't feel more at peace.

“Earth to Alec, hellooo”, Magnus waved in front of my face. I felt blood rushing through my cheeks, “Sorry wh-what?”, I stammered.

“I asked if you maybe like to get some food because I am starving”, Magnus chuckled.

Feeling very confident all of a sudden, I blurted out, “yeah you could come to my place?”, I regretted asking immediately, “I mean, if you want to, Izzy and Jace are working anyway but you don't have to come all the way to my place.”

_Good job Alec, maybe he is tired of your ass already, no need to oblige him._

“That's sounds lovely, Alexander”, Magnus said ressurantly, “although I do crave some pizza.”

“Alright, pizza it is.”

 

\-------

Four hours later our bellies were full of pizza and we laid on the couch while some show was playing on the TV - which I didn’t pay any attention to as I had something much prettier to watch.

“And that's how Cat and I ended up being banned from the bar Peru”, Magnus told me while I swept the tears away from all the laughter about Magnus’ ridiculous stories.

“You are insane Magnus Bane”, I said while trying to calm myself, but in the process I accidentally sat on Church's tail who sat next to me on the couch and now scooted away. “That I cannot deny Mr. Lightwood”, Magnus said while giving me a wink.

“I really loved spending time today with you Alexander, but I do need to go now, unfortunately” Magnus said as I noticed that it was already 11 PM.

“Yeah you're right, can't miss tomorrow's lectures.” I said while trying to contain my sudden sadness as I remembered Magnus does have an own place.

“Such a good student”, Magnus teased.

“Yeah well we are not all natural talents”, I joked, trying to stall some time so Magnus doesn’t have to leave right now.  

Magnus stood up and walked to the door, “Well I am certain that you have special talents of your own”, he said wiggling his eyebrows.

“Maybe so”, I told him while feeling my cheeks burning.

“Alright, Alexander have a good night”, he gave me warm smile.

“You too Magnus”, I told smiling back and Magnus started to turn towards to the door, only to stop and turn back and kiss me on my cheeks. I was shocked but couldn’t keep the smile of my face. After that Magnus disappeared.

 

After he left I cleaned up the small living room and really felt happy after today's events. Realization dawned on me. O. my. god. He kissed me! on my cheek!

 _Don’t read too much into it Alec, you don’t want to get your hopes up_ .

Even if he doesn’t like _like_ me, Magnus is still a great person. It’s just so easy to be around Magnus. I feel like he understands me better than anyone. I don’t feel pressured to be someone I am not. I can be calm, dull Alec and he still is there to do all fun stuff with me. I still don't understand why he wants to spend so much time with me.

_That's because he fakes it, you loser. Don't think that he wouldn't give you up in a second if he's got something better to do. And you know it._

I let the voice inside my head talk, which I shouldn't because I know it's not going to do me any good.

_That's right, you can't be helped. When Magnus finally realize what a joke you are he will be done with you. And that's because you made it that way._

Suddenly I felt so sad. Why does it always go like this, one moment everything is just fine, I even enjoyed today, and the next moment all I can think about is the failures I made, the people I let down.

_That's what you deserve for being a moron. You don't deserve to be happy, you got to earn it, so stop fucking whining Lightwood. Don't be so self-centered, you are so pathetic._

I need to stop thinking like this but I can’t. I feel my head hurting like crazy and I feel overwhelmed by the lights in the living room. I sit down on the couch and try to breathe normal. Calm down Alec there's nothing to worry about, just think about all the nice things you did today.

 _Ha, like that will work why don't you just give up already, what's the point in trying when you fuck up always._ I can't do this anymore. I feel my head spinning and tears stinging in my eyes. It hurt so damn much. All that I can do is sit and cry, while feeling more awful by  the second.

 

And then I hear the door swing open

“Alexander, I'm sorry did I left my jacket? I was outside and….”, Magnus stopped dead and I was afraid to open my eyes and turn around. Maybe if I don't move he will just go away and never come back. That's probably for the best anyway.

“Alexander, are you okay, are you hurt?” I feel him coming closer and I panic, “No! Don't!”.  I don’t want him to see me like this so I protect my head by throwing my arms in front of them.

“Alec please I am not going to hurt you, I won't move, I promise”, he said calmly.

“J-just go alright?” I tried.

“No it's not alright Alexander, because you are not alright”, Magnus told me sternly but not being unkind. “I am your friend, Alexander, I can help you”, He said softly, “Let me help you”.

“There's no point Magnus”, I whispered.

“Why do you say that, no Al-” he began but I interrupted him, “Because it's true and you know it Magnus!”, I practically screamed, finally opening my eyes but still avoiding Magnus.

“Hey, Alec, look at me”, I tried to ignore him.

Magnus was having none of it and I heard him slowly shuffling closer until he kneeled in front of me.

“Alexander, please look at me”, he said softly.

There was no chance to protest anymore so I looked up in his beautiful golden brown eyes.

“You can tell me everything, you know that Alexander”, he tried to find my hand. “Just tell me what to do, I won't judge you”.

And I really didn’t know what to do, because I do trust him. But I am so terrified that he will walk away and I can’t stand losing him. Magnus means the world to me. I don’t know what to do without him and realizing how much I need him I started crying again and I just broke down.

“Hey it’s okay Alec, let it out,” Magnus hugged me tight and I tucked my head in the nape of his neck.

So that’s what I did. I let it all out.


	7. I am stronger than this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After last nights events Alec feels terrible, luckily Izzy is there to help him and make sleeping a little bit better. Oh what a wonderful dream can do, right?
> 
> WARNING: heavy language, homophobia & graphic description of violence. Please don't read if you're susceptible for triggers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I am back! :) Sorry I kept you waiting long for a new update but I have been a bit busy and wanted to make it a good chapter.  
> I will warn this is a dark chapter and if you are triggered by suicidal thoughts/ self-harm/ suicidal references/ homophobic comments, please do not read. If you do want to read, please read the end note.  
> That being said I hope you will be content with a new chapter.
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Confettisprinkles

I opened my eyes and felt stiff from laying on the couch. It was very dark in the living room, so it must be late. I tried to get my phone out of my pocket, but then I realised I have an arm wrapped around my waist. Magnus. O my god he is still here, laying with me on the couch. I panicked for a moment, but at the same time it was very comfortable and warm with my back against his chest. I decided to lay still for a moment, because I don’t want to wake him up.he deserves to sleep after last night. Unfortunately my phone won’t let him because it felt down with a big thump. _ Damnit. _ I tried to ignore it, but Magnus stirred awake. I feel his breath against my neck. 

 

“Alexander are you awake?”, I tried to breathe calmly and debate whether I fake being asleep or not, but I know there’s no point in trying to trick Magnus if he is so close to me. He can probably feel my heart pounding as a maniac. 

Magnus’ hands slipped away from my waist as he turned to face me. 

“Hey”, Magnus said as he looked into my eyes. 

“Hey”, I said back with a hoarse voice from sleeping, “did I fall asleep?” I asked biting my bottom lip. Why am I so stupid. This man has been so wonderful to me all day and night, why did I have to fuck it up by crying like a baby. Of course he couldn’t let me cry myself to sleep last night. Seeing my troubled face, he probably knows what I am thinking about. Magnus cupped my cheek, “Hey don’t worry okay, I am glad I could stay.”

“But you deserved a good night of sleep instead of dealing with this bullshit.”, I said, avoiding his gaze. 

“Alexander, stop, this is not bullshit, you are allowed to feel sad, okay?”, he asked gently, “I am here for you no matter what you will say, so stop beating yourself up.” 

I don’t know what I did to serve his kindness, but I know for sure I can’t win an argument from Magnus Bane. I sighed and nodded. I feel very grateful that Magnus helped me again tonight so I tried to show him by grabbing his hand and making small circles at the back of his hand. 

“Thank you Magnus, for just being here.”, I whispered as we were still very close and I felt very self-conscious that he had to see me like that tonight. 

Magnus kissed the back of my hand and said, “Anytime darling, you know that.”

It felt like an intimate moment. but as soon as I think it I shake the thought away. _ Don’t be ridiculous Alec, he is just a friend.  _

I am glad Magnus didn’t say anything else about tonight though - probably because he knew the subject is very sensitive right now and well we both are still half asleep. 

I tried to find my phone again by brushing my hand on the floor. After I felt the furry tail of Church I finally managed to get it. 

Shit. It’s already 3 AM. 

There is no way I am going to send Magnus home in the middle of the night. 

 

“Let me at least give you a decent place to sleep, Magnus, you can take my bed if you like.”

“Alexander, nonsense it’s okay I can sleep on the couch.”, he said being a gentleman as always. 

“No it’s not okay and I will not argue about this Magnus, so come with me.”, I place my feet on the ground and try to rub the sleep of out my eyes.  

“Alright, alright, but only because I like this new, assertive side of you Alexander.”, he probably winked at me, but luckily it’s still dark so he can’t see my reddening face either.  _ O my god, act normal Alec, it was just a joke, he didn’t mean anything by it. _

As I try to shake these thoughts off I opened the door to my bed room and searched for an extra blanket and pillow. 

“Alright, take this. You can sleep in my bed.”, I said while handing him the blanket. 

“Sleep well, Magnus”, I said while I was on my way back to the door to the living room only to be stopped by Magnus who pulled me by my wrist. 

“No Alec, I am not kicking you out of your own bed, there’s enough room so stay with me.”. 

 

I stopped in my tracks. I actually don’t want to decline it, because ten minutes ago it felt so nice to cuddle up to him. I know Magnus probably doesn’t like me  _ that way _ but it felt pretty nice. I felt safe in his arms and didn’t even have trouble falling asleep like most of the time. 

 

Magnus recognized the hesitation so he used his charms , “pretty please?” which I can’t decline, of course. I sighed dramatically, “Alright let’s go to bed together”.  _ Noo! Why do you say it like that! Goob job Alec, now you look like you want to jump his bones already.  _

“I mean uhm let’s sleep, just sleep in the bed, uh, you know”. Magnus chuckled but didn’t comment on it, which I am very grateful for as I know he normally wouldn’t let it slip. He probably feels sorry for me, though. 

I walked slowly towards the bed and when I curled up on my side of the bed I immediately  felt the warmth radiating of Magnus body, but I laid as still as possible so I wouldn’t touch him accidentally. We stayed like that for ten minutes and I heard Magnus breathing calming, which should mean he must be already asleep so I dared to turn on my other side and watched Magnus’ chest rise and fall, which might be a creepy thing to do, but it made me feel very calm. I finally could relax and felt drowsy so I closed my eyes and dozed off into sleep.

 

\------

SIX HOURS LATER I woke up and it was 9:30 AM. I turned on my side and saw Alec is still fast asleep. He looked so adorable, his hair covered his eyes and his mouth hang just a little bit open, snoring very softly. I tried to be as silent as possible as I went out of bed. I am still wearing my T-shirt, but found my pants in a corner of the room. I dressed as quick as possible and tried to find a bathroom. I need to fix my make-up quickly and then be on my way to college, which was starting at 11 AM. 

 

Although I would love to have breakfast with Alec, I definitely think he needs his sleep after yesterday night. I sighed and my heart ached when I looked back to Alec. Oh how did he get so broken? He has the purest soul. Alec deserves so much better. It makes me feel terribly sad, but right now the only thing I can do to make it better is let him sleep. I promise myself I will check up on him later when I have finished my college. Maybe we can even have lunch together as I remembered correctly Alec doesn’t have to go anywhere on thursdays. With this thought I feel instantly happier. There is a chance I get to see Alec twice today and that thought alone motivates me to go to college and get back as soon as possible.  _ Oh Bane you have it bad already. _ Well I suppose it’s true, but I don’t have to act on it. As long as Alec needs me I am going to be there for him, no matter how he feels about me, no matter how hard it is going to be to be just friends. Being in thought for way too long already, I rushed out of the bed room. Of course I can’t have much luck so I walked into Isabelle as soon as I walk out of Alec’s room and closed his door.

 

“Ooh I didn’t know Alec had a guest sleeping over.”, she said with a smirk while checking me out. 

“Uh yes well it wasn’t planned.” I said while scratching my neck.  _ Don’t be so ridiculous Bane. Did you leave your confidence at Alec’s room? Act normal, nothing happened and you know it!  _ Well nothing happened, but I wouldn't mind per se.

“Yes I am sure.”, Isabelle interrupted my thoughts. I don’t know what she meant by that, but I don’t have a chance to ask, “I am Isabelle, by the way, Alec’s sister”, she shakes my hand. “Nice to meet you, I am Magnus, I heard great things about you Isabelle!”

“Oh did Alec talk about me?, I am flattered”, Isabelle looks genuinely shocked, “Alec isn’t someone who likes to brag or something.” 

I chuckled at that. This lady clearly doesn’t lack any confidence. If only Alec had some more I think sadly, but I try to shake off the thoughts as there’s nothing I can do about it right now. So I smiled back, “Well, he does when it comes to his family.”  

That got Isabelle’s attention, “Ooh I am going to remember that for sure.” 

“Well as I would love to share some more secrets with you, Isabelle I unfortunately have to go.” I hope Alec is still asleep or this would be come a very awkward situation, very soon. 

“Oh you are not staying for breakfast? I am sure Alec wouldn’t mind.”, she smirked again. 

“No sorry, really need to go, can’t miss any lectures,” I rushed out as I walked towards the door, “Have a wonderful day Isabelle!”, I winked. 

“You too Magnus, I hope I will see you around!”, she gave me a sincere smile and I have a feeling she wouldn’t show that to anyone, she looks like a fierce lady who decides for herself who is worthy of her time. And with that thought I am finally on my way. What a weird night it had been. 

 

\------

I HEARD SOME noises in the hallway as I opened my eyes. I picked up my phone and saw it’s 9:45 AM. I shuddered as I noticed the warmth besides me is gone and turned to see the bed is empty besides me. Oh. Magnus left already. My heart drops down and I felt a wave of sadness flow inside me. I don’t even want to start this day. I turned back on my side and pulled the covers over my head. Nope, nope, nope. I am not going to leave this bed today. There is nothing important I have to do anyway. It’s thursday and on thursdays I don’t have any lectures. I understand why Magnus had to leave, he must have a busy day at college.  _ Ooh really you think That’s the reason he couldn’t stay. You are pathetic. He can’t feel sorry for you any longer. He doesn’t want your crappy company. Magnus has a life to live, you moron. Something you wouldn’t understand anyway. You don’t have anything to live for. What are you even trying to accomplish. _ I felt tears stinging in my eyes but tried to ignore them. I tried to block my thoughts and feel nothing. Feeling nothing is better than feeling pain, I tell myself. That’s right you just have to feel nothing and everything will be alright. I still have my breathing under control and take big deep breaths to calm my mind. I feel calm. And that’s all I need at the moment. No thoughts, no pain. Just breathe, Alec.

 

Then I heard someone knocking on my door. “Alec, are you awake?”, I heard Izzy whispering. I rolled my eyes, as if I would hear her little whisper if I were asleep.

But being the impatient sister she is she came rushing in, carrying two mugs in her hands.  

“Wakey, wakey, dear brother.”, she says excited. I growled and pulled the covers further over my head - if that’s even possible. I heard Isabelle putting the mugs down on the night table and then the sound of opening the curtains. The room is instantly very bright and I squeezed my eyes shut - even with my head under the covers, mind you -  because it too goddamn bright. 

“Don’t be so grumpy Alec, I am sure you would love some sunshine.”

“Just go, Izzy!”, I said reacting too aggressive even though I know she didn’t deserve it. 

“Woah calm down, brother. I wouldn’t have guessed that your little sleepover would make you into a murderous mess.”

I snapped my head in her direction and lowered the covers. “How do you know about Magnus?”

“So you don’t even deny that he slept over?”, Izzy raised her eyebrows at me, “That’s a first.”, she said as she sipped some of her tea. I rolled my eyes. 

 

“Anyway, I met Magnus in the hallway when he was on his way out, he seemed in a rush because of college.”, Izzy shrugged. Oh, I really really hope that’s the only reason, but I highly doubt it.

“Sooo, are you going to tell me about it?”, she wiggled her eyebrows at me expectantly.

“What, no! Stop it Izz! He is just a friend. Magnus and I fell asleep on the couch and it was too late for him to go home, that’s all.”

“Are you sure?", she wanted to be just because well with Alec you wouldn’t know for sure.

I gave her a glare.

“Alright, alright I believe you.”, Izzy said as she handed me a mug of tea. 

I feel so stupid because I wish I could say there was more between us, but now I am not sure he even likes me as a friend anymore.

Izzy noticed my worried look.

“Hey, what’s wrong, what happened?”, she asked gently. 

I sighed, “Magnus probably doesn’t want to see me anymore after I have been an idiot last night”, I stared down, trying to avoid Izzy’s eyes. 

“No Alec, he was just in a rush to go to college I don-”, Izzy argued, but I didn’t let her finish.

“No Izzy, I really fucked up this time, I am so stupid”, I tucked at my hair to keep my anxiety in check. 

“Alec no, stop saying that,” I felt Izzy’s hand on mine, “you are not stupid, big bro and you know that, so tell me what happened.”

 

I didn’t even know where to start. It has only been a week since she found me in the bathroom where I had an accident, but Izzy still doesn’t trust me enough on my word.

Not after The Night, two years ago. I know she wants to trust me, but the last two years have been hard on the three of us. Izzy and Jace try to help me as much as possible, but I don’t tell them always when it’s getting worse, because I wouldn’t want to burden them every damn time. They already have to waste so much energy on helping me. I am their big brother, I should be the one taking care of them. I didn’t notice but my hands turned into fist and my knuckles are turning very white, Izzy however did notice and looked very worried.

 

“It’s alright to feel Alec. Anger, sadness, whatever it is, you are allowed to have emotions.”, she said being as gentle as possible. 

“I know Izz, it’s just so hard sometimes, you know?”, I sighed, trying to avoid her eyes. 

She kept silence giving me the time to recollect my thoughts and start talking on my own, whenever I am ready. 

 

“I had two panic attacks this week and before you are going to interrupt me and tell me I should have told you, I actually was going to tell you the first time.”, Izzy gives me a small smile, encouraging me to keep on talking. 

“But as you noticed I didn’t tell you, because I accidentally called Magnus and he helped me through it, by helping me breath normal again”, I say while scratching my neck. “He helped me a lot, but I couldn’t talk about it with him afterwards because I was so embarrassed.”

“Alec.. you d-”, Izzy starts but I cut her off. 

“Yes, yes I know I should tell him how I felt, but I just couldn’t okay?”, so anyway I asked him to meet up the next day, because I wanted to thank him and just do something fun, and we did, I loved it. Izzy eyes sparkle when I tell her that, she seems happy to hear I had some fun. 

“But then last night I had another panic attack after Magnus left, well I thought he left but he forgot his jacket and came back and found me crying.”

“The whole day and evening had been so wonderful, but then I just felt horrible and told Magnus to just leave, but Magnus being Magnus couldn’t just leave me like that so he helped me and then we fell asleep on the couch". 

I stopped talking after this little rambling and looked down to the floor, just waiting for Izzy’s reaction.

 

“Well first of all, I am proud of you that you let Magnus help you, brother", she smiled but had a sad look in her eyes. 

“But it’s okay to let someone in, alright?”, she asks. I still looked to the ground but nodded. 

Izzy kissed me on my forehead. 

“I like Magnus, he seems like a good guy.”, she tried to change the subject for a bit as she knows it is bad enough for me to acknowledge everything that had happened the past couple days.  

“Yeah he does, I like him too”, for the first time I could smile. Thinking about Magnus makes me feel happy. 

“I am glad to hear you have made a new friend, Alec, you should invite him next time when we meet up for game night!”, she squealed being very excited about this genius idea of hers - at least she thinks it’s genius.

“No Izzy I don’t think h-”, I started but Izzy doesn’t give me a chance to finish my sentence - which I have to admit is only fair because I did the same thing twice already.

“No Alec you are going to invite him or I will”, she looks very serious and you don’t want to get on Izzy’s bad side when she looks this serious, so I gave up already. 

“Alright, fine! I will! Just promise me that you don’t make any comments about this morning.”

“That I certainly cannot promise, big brother, where's the fun in that?”, she smirked mischievously. 

I sighed and turned on my side to fake sleep again. But I know Izzy knows I am not mad at her. I heard Izzy shuffelling towards the door and before she left, she said, “Just remember everything is going to be fine okay?”, I hummed to let her know I agree with her even though I am not so sure myself. 

After having talked about some of the struggles and Magnus I do feel more at ease and I can block the negative thoughts a little bit better. My bed is still so warm and comfortable, so soon I notice my eyes can’t stay open. These days I can’t seem to have enough sleep so I let myself have some more and allow myself to think about all the nice things I have done yesterday with a nice human being called Magnus. 

 

_ The sun shines through the trees and is getting lower and lower. It is a warm afternoon in the summer. I am laying down in the flower fields, but this time they are filled with lavender. The smell is amazing. I let myself sink into the flowers and just inhale the purple calming wonderfulness.  _

_ I hear the birds chirping and the wind blowing softly on my skin. The sky is blue and the sun is very warm on my skin. I have been laying here for hours, just enjoying the sounds of nature.  _

_ Suddenly I feel warm touches of a hand on my cheek. I don’t startle because the hand feels so soft on my skin. It keeps making circular motions on my cheek and it feels just so nice. Then the touches stop and I hear the sound of flowers being pushed gently aside as someone lays besides me on the bed of heavenly lavender.  _

_ I dare to open one eye and look besides me. I see Magnus laying next to me, his hands supporting his head. His eyes closed and a calm expression on his face.  _

_ “Like what you see?”, he asked me while smirking.  _

_ I can’t seem to control myself any longer so I decide to just go for it, I turn on my side, closer to Magnus and whisper in his ear “very much so.”, Magnus seems to enjoy this answer as he pushes himself up on his elbows. As I didn’t have a chance to move away, his nose bumps into mine and gives me an eskimo kiss.  _

_ “Well what are you going to do about it then?”, he asked mischievously. _

_ Feeling another wave of confidence I moved forwards and meet his lips with mine. The first touch is so soft. We move together and stay like that for awhile. Magnus brings his hand to my hip and holds onto me. I graze his lips and bring my hand to his neck. I lick his upper lip to ask entry to deepen the kiss. He kisses me with so much passion and it feels like we could go on forever. I move backwards to take a moment to breathe.  _

_ Maybe we can do this all day long. _

 

_ But you don’t have all day long do you? I hear in the back of my mind.  _

_ You don’t even have today anymore do you? _

_ You wasted it, you stupid kid. _

_ You had one chance and you wasted it. _

_ You wasted your life. _

_ I pop my eyes open and look in front of me.  _

_ Magnus is gone.  _

_ My vision starts to blur and the flower fields disappear into the darkness. _

_ “Magnus!” I try to scream but no sound comes out of my throat.  _

_ A second later I can see clearly again and see myself slumped against the bathroom tiles. Unconscious. Isabelle is screaming and crying out loud. Blood in her hands. No, no, no not again! _

_ I won’t see this again.  _

_ I won’t do it.  _

_ No. I won’t. _

 

_ Oh but you will darling, I hear a voice saying.  _

_ Yes you will. _

 

_ 2nd of December, 2016. _

_ I remember it clearly like it was yesterday.  _

 

_ I came home early from my shift at that shitty restaurant who dares to call itself  ‘America’s best diner 2016’ but sells only soggy burgers and milkshakes that look like soap water and taste just as bad. Today had been a very bad day, but that wasn’t something new. Every day felt like a bad day. Like you have two bad days in a row. On repeat. Normally after two days it gets better, you take a walk, have a laugh and feel the sun against your skin. But now these days just keep repeating themselves.  _

_ Nothing works, everything sucks.  _

 

_ I had a fight with Izzy yesterday. “It’s not my fault you don’t have any friends, Alec! Just do something with your life, but don’t bother me every damn time!”, she screamed before she stormed off. I only wanted to do something fun together, but lately she seemed to be too busy going out with friends. I understand why she didn’t want to see me, though. I am no good company, so I just have to accept being alone. I was used to being alone, but that didn’t make it any easier.  _

 

_ It was saturday night and I felt like shit so I decided to go just go outside for a bit. It was already 11 PM but I felt like I was going to suffocate in my room if I stayed there any longer. I had to get out of there. So I took a stroll through the neighborhood and saw one of Izzy’s friends houses. I heard a lot of music, clearly there was a party going on. I don’t do parties but feeling deprived of human contact lately I decided to just go have a look. Maybe I can join Izzy.   _

 

_ The garden was full of people, drinking and laughing. Dancing to the music, which you could hear very clearly from inside. It’s was already around midnight so everyone was pretty hammered. Nobody recognized me so I went through the back door to the party inside.  _

_ Once inside I was pushed aside by a group of girls who clearly didn’t see me. I found my way to the kitchen to grab a drink. Normally I don’t drink, as I have nobody to drink with, but at that moment I couldn’t care less and besides everyone was drinking, so why the hell not? _

_ After fixing myself a beer I walked back to the living room where music was playing through the speakers. I stood in a corner not ready to talk to someone - said no one ever at a party - and felt my mind already buzzing after one beer.  _

_ “Alec! My man!”, someone yelled into my ear as he slapped my shoulder. _

_ “You made it finally!”,Raj looked very happy that I finally joined a party, as he was one of the few guys in class I actually liked, but we didn’t even talk much in school or whatever.  _

_ “Are you here alone?”, Raj asked but not waiting for my answer as he probably already knew, “anyway let’s go to the others we are playing beer pong, you should totally join!”. _

 

_ I didn’t feel like playing a game, certainly with so many strangers. I get so nervous around others and only the thought of having actually to join makes me anxious. I tried to calm myself while simultaneously act like nothing was going on. Luckily Raj didn’t notice as he dragged me along with him. I stumbled behind him, back outside where they were playing beer pong on a big table. “Guys! We are joining!”, Raj screamed to the others. I started to really panic once we got closer, so I pulled my arm back from Raj’s grip. He looked back at me with a puzzled look, while the others saw what happened.  _

_ “Lightwood, don’t be a pussy, get your ass here and play!” “Yeah don’t be a chicken”, some of the others shouted while I heard some girls whispering, “Really, what’s his deal, he looks like he is going to die, it’s just a game for god’s sake.” ,they laughed. I felt horrible and _

_ felt the urge to throw up. I don’t want any of this, just leave me alone, I thought. Being so overwhelmed, I threw up on one of the girls’ shoes.  _

_ “Eww, that’s so gross. O my god Alec why are you so stupid? Why are you even here, nobody wants you here.” _

 

_ My throat hurt badly and head started aching badly. I ran up to the house to one of the bathrooms as I threw up again in the toilet. After ten minutes there was nothing left to throw up so I flushed the toilet and splashed some cold water into my face.  _

 

_ I heard someone banging on the door, “Hey! Hurry up, are you fucking in there or something, some people got to pee, you know!” _

_ Being to scared to open the door I waited for another moment until the banging stopped. I took my chance and flee out of the bathroom. Well that has been a fun night indeed. I decided that was enough drama for one evening and walked towards the back door to leave.  _

_ As I was almost there, someone pushed me against the wall.  _

_ “And where do you think you are going, Lightwood? I think you have to apologize to Lisa, don’t you think?”, I heard a tall boy say as he punched me in my stomach. I groaned.  _

_ “Don’t moan Lightwood I am not your bitch.”, he said while he threw my face against the wall.  _

_ “St-stop, I began but he kept punching me in my stomach. One punch. Two punches. He gripped my hair very harshly and turned my face towards him and stumped me one last time in my face. I staggered backwards, luckily I had a wall behind me, and tasted blood in my mouth.  _

_ “So, want to say something, faggot?”, he laughed at me. My head was covered in blood and  hurt like hell. “S-Sorry for throwing up.” _

_ “Yeah I thought so too, now go fagg nobody wants you here.” _

_ Some of the other kids had collected behind the boy and gave me a very disgusted look. Some laughed and called after me, “what a pathetic boy, he comes here without friends and then throws up on someone’s shoes, the audacity.” “Why doesn’t he go already no one gives a fuck about him,” “I would really hate myself if I was him.” “No wonder he has no friends, what a creep.” _

 

_ After having heard enough, I ran outside all the way back to my house. I fidgeted with the keys and when I finally opened the door I sneaked to my room, as I wouldn’t want to wake up Izzy or Jace as my parents were out of town.  _

_ I closed the door and sat against it with my back. Everything hurt so badly. I can’t stop shaking as I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what just happened. How did it end so badly? _

_ What did I do wrong? _

 

_ Everything, you moron.  _

_ You acted like a scared little cat. Honestly you couldn’t just play one fucking game of beer pong? What the hell is wrong with you? No wonder nobody wants to be with you.  _

_ And then everything they said came back to me in a flash.  _

 

_ Why are you even here? _

_ Nobody wants you here. _

_ Faggot _

_ I am not your bitch Lightwood _

_ Eww gross _

_ Nobody wants you here _

_ Disgusting fagg _

_ Pathetic _

_ He has no friends, nobody gives a fuck about him _

_ What a creep _

_ I would hate myself _

_ Hate _

_ Hate _

_ Hate _

_ Nobody gives a fuck _

_ Pathetic _

_ I would hate myself _

_ I would kill myself _

_ No wonder he has no friends _

_ Why are you even here? _

_ Why are you even alive? _

_ Nobody _

_ gives  _

_ a _

_ fuck _

_ Why are you alive? _

_ I would kill myself _

 

_ The words got stuck in my head. My head hurt so badly. I threw my arms around my knees and tried to make myself as small as possible, to let myself disappear. It hurt so goddamn much. I just want it to stop. Let it stop. Just let it all stop. I screamed internally, why can’t it fucking stop. I rocked my body to relieve some tension, to distract me from the pain but it didn’t work. I pulled my hair, but that didn’t work either. I groaned, what is fucking wrong with me. I crouched to the bathroom and curled on my side on the cool tiles. I felt so hot, like I could burst into flames any moment. Too hot and so much pain. I wasn’t even breathing properly anymore but then suddenly an idea popped into my head and everything stopped for a moment. Like everything happened in slow motion.  _

_ What if I can make it stop? All of it. All the pain, all the sadness. Just letting it go, never feeling anymore. No more sadness, no more pain. That’s all I want, I want to feel peace. It’s the only way to not feel bad on repeat.  _

 

_ That’s it, I can do it. My pounding headache started to go to the back of my mind as I tried to pay attention to the task at hand. I tried to get up and find the things I needed to stop the pain for good.  _

_ I searched for my razors and finally found some razor blades in the back of the drawer.  _

_ Holding them in my hand, it felt suddenly so real. Well what are you waiting for? You want the pain to stop. This is your only solution I hear in my mind. It will take away all the pain. That’s what you want right?  _

_ I don’t hesitate anymore and cut one wrist. _

_ I screamed and tried to muffle the sound with my hand. It hurts so badly. _

_ I just don’t want to hurt anymore.  _

 

_ I started shaking and my vision started to blur from the tears. No, I can’t do it, I don’t want to. No. It isn’t true. It’s not right. I am stronger than this.   _

_ I won’t do it. _

_ I threw away the razor blades and slumped against the bad tub. Silently crying and trying to ignore all the pain.  _

_ I don’t want to die.  _

 

_ And then I heard someone calling my name. “”Alec, is that you?”  _

_ I felt really exhausted and wanted to close my eyes for a second. At the same time I felt very dizzy and was about to faint as I saw a glimpse of Izzy bursting through the door, this time screaming my name as I surrendered myself to the darkness.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said I wanted to elaborate a bit on this chapter.  
> I am aware these thoughts Alec has are very depressing and suicide is certainly not a topic to think lightly about. I don’t want to romanticize any of this, which is why I made Alec revise his choices. Suicide is never an option or solution and should not be portrayed as one. If you struggle yourself with constant sadness, self-doubt or worse like suicidal thoughts, please please please talk to someone. People care. Even strangers, like me :) There is always a way and it will get better once you talk to someone.  
> I hope I have not offended anyone, if so I do apologize, because that certainly isn’t my intention. If you would like, please do tell me your thoughts on this subject.  
> With that being said, I am sending you as one human being to another human being much love. You are loved, never forget.


	8. If you can dream it, you can do it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry it's been a while. December has been a crazy month for me. I haven't been feeling very well and with the holidays I have been very busy.  
> I do have a small update for now and hope you enjoy reading it. I don't have much ideas for more chapters, but still a few. Anyway feel free to comment if you do have some ideas ;)
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Confettisprinkles

I heard someone scream and bolted awake. I am drenched in sweat as I realize it was me who screamed. I sit up in bed and try to calm my breathing as I feel my heart pounding like crazy. 

 

Shit shit shit! I had another nightmare. Last week I haven’t gotten a single one, which may have to do with the fact that meet an amazing new friend who made my days a little bit better. But now I am back to zero. I try to breathe normal again and push the night mare back.

 

I remember my other dream and just thinking about Magnus makes me feel calmer. I get out of bed and notice that it is already dark outside. I check my phone and see it 5 PM. I check my messages and see I got two from Magnus. 

 

**[11:45] Hey darling, sorry I had to leave early this morning, I needed to go my class, but if you would like we can meet up for lunch?**

 

**[13:00] Hey, forget my question, you are probably busy at the moment. Just wanted to let you know I will probably visit you soon to pick up my jacket I already forgot twice haha, talk to you soon, Alexander ;)**

 

_ Great. Ignoring Magnus while he was being sweet and actually wanted to see me again. Now he just wants to get his stuff back so he can get on with his life without your stupid behavior. _ Really really great. I sighed. I walk back to my bed and dig my head under my pillow. 

 

Why couldn’t my dream be real. The one in the flower fields with Magnus by my side. In that moment it felt so real. Like we could be together. It felt so nice. Being loved. Relaxing and doing whatever the hell I want. Like kissing Magnus. All day long. I sigh again. Oh how fucked up real life can be. 

 

Well it’s probably for the best Magnus wants to go on with his life. I don’t deserve his kindness. I will ruining his life as well. And that I will certainly not allow that. So for now I try to push the thought about Magnus in the back of my mind. 

 

I stay in bed for awhile but my stomach starts rumbling. Maybe eating something isn’t a bad idea. I walk to the kitchen and see Izzy and Jace sitting on the bar stools. 

 

“Hey sleeping beauty, finally decided to join the land of the awoken?”, Jace ruffled my hair, as always. 

 

“Ooh leave him Jace, he must have needed it if he still looks like a zombie”, Izzy said swatting Jace’s arm away, “No offence, brother.”

 

“Thank you Isabelle, you really helped me out there.”, I mocked her, not really meaning it. 

 

“Anyway who is up for pizza? As you are certainly in no shape to do more than breathing and I just came back from the gym.”, Jace offered.

 

“Hey! What about me I don’t have a lazy ass like yours!”, Izzy faked being offended.

 

I chuckled and try to muffle it. Without succes as Izzy punched me on my arm.

 

“Well we all know how your cooking skills are, so I will be your savior and order right now.”, Jace laughed at me as I pouted and rubbed my sore arm. Jace walked to the small living room to call the pizza delivery guy. 

 

“So now that’s taken care of, have you already spoken to Magnus, Alec?”, Izzy turned back to me.

 

“Magnus, what about him?”, I asked looking confused. 

 

“Well you would ask him to join us tomorrow night for game night, so have you asked him already?”, Izzy asked looking hopeful.

 

And just like that the horrible thoughts are back. Why on earth would he want to join me? I have nothing to offer. He would be bored all evening. 

 

I must have looked very sad, because Izzy stepped closer to me and puts her hand on my shoulder.

 

‘“Alec? What is it?”, she looked very worried. 

 

“I did not talk to Magnus today,” I told her, avoiding her eyes. 

 

“And I won’t”, I mumbled, still looking to the floor.

 

“What, what was that?”, Izzy tried to catch what I said.

 

I sighed, “I said I won’t invite him.”

 

“But Alec we already discussed this if you don’t, I will”, Izzy warned me. 

 

I finally looked her in the eyes, “No! You won’t. It is not going to happen Iz so stop trying! I won’t invite Magnus, end”, I almost screamed at her. 

 

“Woah buddy what’s the matter? What’s wrong with inviting Magnus?”, Jace came back to the kitchen and looked very puzzled. 

 

I can’t to this any longer so I broke, “And what if I did? Why on earth would he come? I am no fun, he has better places to be than to be here!”, I screamed. 

 

“Alec! What are you talking about, of course he wants to see you!”, Izzy screamed back.

 

“No! Stop lying, stop trying to protect me, Izzy”, I told her and being only a little angry at myself for taking my anger out on me as I know Izzy only wants to help me. 

 

“What does it matter anyway, I will just end up hurting him, just like I hurt you guys!”, I rushed out. 

 

“Alec, no stop thinking like that, we are here to help you but you are nothing less, we are all equal!”, Jace tried to reassure me, but it won’t work.

 

There is nothing that I say that will convince them, so I looked Jace in the eye and tried to convey to him that I am tired and he just has to leave me. Jace looked very sad. Just like Izzy does. And that’s what hurts the most. All they do is try to help me, but they can’t. It won’t matter. I will still be the same sad, boring person I will always be. 

 

I stormed off to my room and locked the door. I am tired of this. I remember the dreams of this morning. And hear the same words in my head.

_ Why are you even here? _

_ Nobody wants you here. _

_ Faggot _

_ Eww gross _

_ He has no friends _

_ Nobody gives a fuck about him _

 

And it hurts to know that it is still true. After two whole years of recovering I am still not good enough. Not even Magnus wants to be with me. 

I slumped down on the floor with my back against the door.

 

“Alec, please open the door, I am sorry”, I hear Izzy whisper behind me, through the door.

 

“No, please go away Iz, I need to be alone”, I told here while trying to steady my breathing.

 

“Alec please let me help you”, she insists.

 

But I can’t. I can’t let her see me like this even though she knows what I must be feeling right now.

 

“J-Just leave me for a bit, okay Iz? I promise I won’t hurt myself”, I told her. It’s the least I can do after she wanted to help me again. She must know that I won’t bargain this time, because I hear footsteps walking away from the door. 

I let out a shaky breath I didn’t realize I was holding. At least she gives me the dignity to let me cry alone.

 

I know I can’t hurt myself, because I did promise Izzy, but oh how easy it would be to go the bathroom and just do it anyway, just be done with it and feel better, lighter. But I think back to my nightmare and understand I can’t, I can’t do that again. I can’t hurt Izzy and Jace like that again. Two weeks ago they must have had an heart attack when they found me beside the toilet and I won’t to repeat it. I must be strong. I need to be strong, just like I was That Night.

 

Tears roll off my cheek as I silently cry because I miss a friend. I miss doing fun things with Magnus already because I know it will never happen again. The sad thing is I made my peace with that, but I am just holding onto the last strands of happiness I let myself have the past day.

 

After a while there are no more tears and I get up to the bathroom to wash my face. I change my shirt and clean up the mess in my room. Clothes and books are scattered all over the floor and I decide it’s time to do something useful. Clear my mind by clearing my room.

 

When everything seems to be put back to the place it belongs I hear a knock on my door.

 

Izzy must have had enough of me avoiding her so I walk to the door to unlock it.

 

But just as I am about to unlock the door I hear, “Alexander, are you awake? It’s me Magnus”

 

I stop in my tracks and gasp. Shit shit shit! He isn’t supposed to be here. Not after all that has happened tonight.

 

“Please Alex, let me in I know you are there.”, Magnus whispered.

 

I know I can’t avoid him forever so I take a deep breath and unlock the door. I don’t look if Magnus comes through as I walk back to my bed to busy myself with the books on my nightstand. 

I hear footsteps coming closer, but before Magnus can say something I said, “There is your jacket” while pointing to the chair with my back still to him.

 

I don’t hear Magnus moving anymore as I wait a minute for him just to pick up his jacket and leave.

 

But he doesn’t so I stiffen.

 

“Alexander, please let me see your face”, I finally hear him come closer.

 

I don’t want him to come too close so I decide to just turn around.

 

I meet his face and he looks worried.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong? You know you can talk to me, right?”, Magnus face softened.

 

I looked away from his face, I can’t look at him while I need to talk to him.

 

“I-I am sorry Magnus”, I mumbled.

 

“What for?”, he sounded unsure, like he doesn’t understand.

 

“For being such an idiot last night, I understand if you just want to leave.”, I felt very sad to say it out loud but there is no point in delaying the inevitable.

 

“Alexander, we already talked about this, it is okay to feel sad sometimes, I am here for you no matter what, you must know that by now.”, Magnus said while coming a little bit closer. I still avoided looking in his eyes.

 

“But that’s the point Magnus.”, I sighed, “You shouldn’t”

 

“I don’t understand, what are you trying to say Alexander?”, Magnus sounded worried, unsure and I recognized a hint of annoyance. As he has every right to be mad at me.

 

I want him to understand without me saying it out loud, but I know I am not being fair to him. I can’t expect him to know how I think. He deserves to know the truth. And to hear it from me.

 

“What I am trying to say is, I-I don’t deserve your friendship, Magnus. You have to put up with me all the time and I have nothing to give you in return.”, I run my hand unconsciously through my hair to ground myself, because I feel very sick at the moment. 

Magnus doesn’t react right away. He probably doesn’t know how to politely say to me that I am right and that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. 

I am certain he will just walk away, but I don’t move, too afraid to throw up.

 

But then Magnus shifts and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Oh Alexander, why don’t you see yourself the way I do.”, he said but I still can’t look at him. 

“Alexander you are an amazing person, and a wonderful friend. I LOVE hanging out with you, so stop saying you are not worthy of my time. You do deserve to be happy, to laugh, to have fun, to just be. I hate to see you like this. I am not going away Alexander, no matter how hard you push me away. I won’t leave you because you need to see for yourself how wonderful you are.”, Magnus told me and I felt he meant every single word.

 

I can’t comprehend why he would say all that. Why he wants to be around me. I truly don’t understand. But I do know Magnus means it, because he is the most honest person I know.

 

“Let me in Alexander.”, and that’s when I finally look at him. I look into his beautiful brown eyes and he looks hopeful. Like he truly hopes I will accept what he just said. And I really want to, but it is hard, because all these years no one ever told me the things Magnus did.

 

Instead of answering the only thing I can do to let him know I want to let him in is by taking action. So I let him in, literally. I bring my arms around him and hug him tightly.

 

Magnus embraces me and I bring my head in the crook of his neck. A single tear falls from my lashes.

 

“It’s okay Alexander, I have got you, I will always be there for you if need me, you only have to let me in.”, he said while making circles on  my back with his hand.

 

I breath slowly in and out and nod. I can’t trust myself to speak right know but I do need him to know that I want to believe him.

 

After a while I try to break away even though I want to stay like that forever.

 

I wipe my tears from my eyes and look at Magnus. I feel so lucky to have him. I don’t know what I would do without him. How I would survive.

 

“I-I.., Magnus, Thank you, for being here.”, I stuttered.

 

Magnus gave me a small smile. “Of course darling, where else would I be?”

 

I smiled back at him, because I feel truly happy right now. I walked to the other side of the bed and sat down and petted the space beside me to invite Magnus to sit as well.

 

“I mean it Magnus, I don’t know why you would want to be here - and before you give me another speech,”, at that Magnus chuckled, “I really do appreciate you and need you to know that you helped me very much.”, I began while fidgeting with my fingers in my lap.

“Not only this time but last week as well. Even if you are not around, I do feel a lot better than two weeks ago, before we met. Since I have met you I feel much calmer, like I can breathe again, like I am allowed to have fun and allowed to feel happy. All because you showed me how wonderful life can be again.”, I told him and stopped to catch my breath. I sneaked a peak at Magnus and saw he was now in tears too. 

“Oh Alexander, you deserve the world, my angel and I will gladly show you the way.”

 

In awe of how wonderful Magnus can be and at a loss for more words, I bring my hands to his face and wipe his tears away with my thumb. I look at him and he looks which so much love? back to me. I think back to my dream and I want to kiss him. But what if he doesn’t want me? He probably he only wants to be friends. 

Magnus must notice my sudden sadness, because he brings his hand to my face and has a question in his eyes.

 

“What’s on your mind, darling?”, he asks sincerely.

 

I take a deep breath and close my eyes to collect my thoughts. I can’t do this, but I want to. I want to be friends, even though that’s all it will be. If I can be with Magnus I will greedily take everything I can get, how small it may be.

“It’s just, I was wondering, if… Do you still want to be friends?”, I bite my lip and never felt so unsure.

 

Magnus chuckled, “Of course, darling. I told you I won’t leave you”, but he sees I still look worried.

 

“But that’s not what you meant, did you? You want to know how I feel about you, like a friend of more.”, I lift my head up and nod, unsure what to tell him.

 

His fingers touch my face lightly before he brings his hand to my neck. 

“Alexander, I like you very much, I can’t stop thinking about you and want to be there for you.” It feels nice to hear all these nice things but I feel like Magnus is trying to be polite and need a moment to get to the point and reject me. 

I didn’t realize I had looked down again, but Magnus is having none of it and lifts my head up by bringing a finger under my chin.

 

“Alexander, I do want to be with you, do you want to be with me?”, he asks unsure of how I will react.

 

I can’t believe Magnus does want more than to be friends, but I do know the answer. So I tell him the only way I know. 

I rush forward and close the small distance that was left between us and before I do anything I look into his eyes and glance towards his lips, I see him do the same. I can no longer hold back, so I bring my mouth to his and finally we connect. In reality his lips are even softer than in my dreams. Magnus takes the lead and kisses me back with much passion and at the same time so much care and tenderness. We move together for awhile, before I gasp to get some air. Magnus takes the opportunity and deepens the kiss and slips his tongue into my mouth. We kiss and kiss for what feels like hours. Finally we break apart and are both panting hard. I feel dizzy from all the kissing but feel nonetheless the best I have felt in a long time. Our foreheads touch and we stay like that for a while.

 

“Yes I do Magnus”, I tell him and I can’t stop the smile from forming on my face, just like Magnus is smiling and laughing. 


	9. I promised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff and angst from Magnus' point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Just felt like updating a new chapter. There's not 'much' happening, but I felt like I had to write about the emotions Magnus and Alec are feeling, before I go onto the next part.  
> Hope you enjoy! :)
> 
> Love,  
> Confettisprinkles

We have been lying here for hours. Car lights from outside shine through the half-closed curtains and fall upon the floor dancing in a random pattern. Alexander still lays on my chest and is sleeping like a baby. I run my fingers through his hair, while he snores softly. It is so adorable. My heart is filled with so much joy by just watching Alec being so relaxed. He have must been exhausted. No wonder, because tonight has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

All day long I felt terrible because I couldn’t reach Alec and he didn’t answer my texts. I worried that something bad had happened. Yesterday I promised myself that I would be there for him no matter what and I wanted to see him again so badly. I just  _ needed _ to be there with him. I feel this constant urge inside me to be with Alec. It scares me, because I have been on my own for a while and I promised myself that I wouldn’t need anyone else again. It is frightening, but simultaneously it feels so right to be with Alec. Even though I didn’t know for sure Alexander liked me back the way I like him I couldn’t stop imagining it. Us being together. For real. I couldn’t wish for more. I feel so lucky we can be together. I can’t even imagine what my life looks like without Alexander. 

I am terrified because I only know Alec for a short amount of time and I didn’t want to rush what we have, even if it was just friendship. Every time we meet up it is just so easy. We talk, we laugh. I don’t have to worry about a single thing and I feel like he is just as happy as I am to see him. His face lights up everytime I see him. His eyes sparkle and the corner of his mouth lifts up until he smiles the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I would do anything to see that smile more often. Not only is he so gorgeous, Alec is also extremely thoughtful. It’s like he is constantly checking if I am okay or when we talk about sad things like my mom he supports me and tries to make me feel better. That’s why it’s so mind-boggling to see Alec being so hard on himself. He should give himself the love he greedily gives to others. He is always trying to make others feel content and forgets himself in the process. My heart breaks everytime I think about it. I try not to cry, otherwise I will wake Alec, but boy am I going to hug him as long as possible to make sure he stays happy. 

I cannot help but think I should show him how amazing he is. I take for 100% the responsibility to help Alec be happy with himself. So before he can recognize his own worth I will make sure to let him know how I feel about him. I will gladly show him all the love he deserves. To show him how much I love him. 

Love. 

And then it dawned on me. I love him. My precious Alexander. And I know for sure I will love him no matter what. It scares me to death, but  at the same time I don’t want to deny it any longer. I love this boy. I can’t let Alec know just yet. I want to be sure he is ready to handle that. Because I learned from the past you that cannot take their words for it. If you mean it, you have to show it. After that make them believe. I will show Alec my love and then he can believe me and doesn’t have to doubt me or himself. 

The next moment I feel Alec stirring in his sleep and I tried to lay as still as possible so he can sleep longer. But a second later I feel his breathing speeding up so he must be getting awake. I hear him sigh and he slides his hand to his belly where my other hand lays. He connects our fingers and interwines them. He doesn’t speak yet but I feel his calm breathing. I turn my face towards him and kiss his temple softly. 

“Goodmorning sweatheart” I tell him while playing with his fingers. He turns halfway so he faces me.

“Hi”, Alec whispers while smiling that dopey smile. Again could he be any cuter?! 

“How are you feeling?” I whisper to his ear.

“Never felt better”, Alec tells me while he makes himself more comfortable and cuddles up to me. 

“Can we stay like this?”, he asks while looking to my face. How can I even say no to a face like that?

Before I can even open my mouth my stomach starts rumbling like crazy. I hear Alec chuckle.

“Well I suppose that’s my answer.”, he looks on his phone. It’s 10:30 PM. 

“Have you had any dinner?”, he asks me, sitting up.

“No I figured I would get some after I came here, I thought maybe we could catch some dinner together, but then I got distracted with more important things”, I wink at him trying to avoid uncomfortable talk about tonight. Alec responds with the most delicious red glow on his face so I feel the mission accomplished. Oh some things I will never get tired of. 

“Alright, let’s get some food into you then.”, he offered his hand while standing up and we get of from his bed. Together, with our hands still intertwined, we walk to the kitchenette. When we come nearer, I see a boy with blond hair sitting on one of the bar stools texting with someone who must be very funny as he is smiling like crazy. 

When I came here Isabelle opened the door for me, but I don’t remember seeing a blond guy. He must be Jake. Wait Jake? Jace? Jay? Well I guess I will find out soon enough. Alec walked to the boy and slapped him on his shoulder. 

“Hey buddy”

Finally the boy noticed our presence as he was so immersed into his texts and turned around to face Alexander. 

“Hey buddy! Glad to see you”, he gave Alec a soft look which Alec must recognize because he looks the same way to him, like they convey words without talking. They must have a good bond. 

“Yeah well I figured I must eat something now, as dinner was delayed.”, Alexander said while scratching his neck. 

Jace looked sad for a moment, but recovered soon. “Well we still have some pizza if you and your guest like.”, Jace said, wiggling his eyebrows expectantly. 

“Ooh yeah I forgot,” Alec brought his hand to his forehead, “Magnus this is my brother Jace, Jace this is Magnus.”

Jace stood up and walked towards me, “I apologize for my brothers rude behaviour, nice to meet you Magnus.”, Jace gave me a honest smile. Although at first he looked very cocky, he has a certain softness around him. Guess Alec must have a good influence on him. 

I chuckled, “Well I am glad he has you to behave better, nice to meet you too.”, I shake his hand firmly. 

Being brought back from the moment by Alec clapping his hands we both turn around. 

“Alright, Let’s heat up some pizza, is that okay with you Magnus? I guess I can cook some proper food as well, what do you like, mayb-”, I bring my hand up in the air to let him stop talking.

“It’s alright darling, I love pizza!”, at that he nods and smiles softly.

“Woah can you give me some of your skills, I would love to shut him up so quickly”, Jace joked and laughed. 

I laugh, “Well I guess that takes some talent.”

Alec turns very red and gives Jace a scolding look while mumbling something under his breath. At that moment I realize red is becoming my favourite color. Especially on a tall, dark and handsome man. 

The next moment Alec goes to the other side of the bar, which is connected to the kitchenette as we sit down on the bar stools and Alec makes himself busy with the pizza and microwave. 

Jace’s phone beeps again and starts rapidly texting someone again. 

The curiosity getting the better of me, I ask him, “So is it someone special?”. 

Jace smiles, “Yeah she is.”

Now I am very curious, “Ooh do you have a picture?”

Jace doesn’t hesitate for a moment and proudly lets me see a picture of a girl with beautiful red curls. Wait a second. Redhead. O my god. My mouth fell open. 

“You know Clary?!”, I almost screamed.

Jace gapes at me too, “Wait, you know her?”

I let out a hard laugh, “Know her? She is like a sister to me. We met on NYU a couple years ago when we had some classes together and we have been best friends ever since, I love Clary”

“Ooh wow that is such a coincidence!”

“What is such a coincidence?”, Alec asked when he returned with the pizza. 

“Magnus knows Clary, did you know that?”, Jace still looked amazed.

“What for real? I didn’t know!”, Alec looks shocked as well.

“What are the odds?”, I chuckled. 

After that we shared some delicious pizza slices together and Jace and Alec tell me some stories about their group of friends. Jace met Clary a couple weeks ago and have been hanging out since. I have to remind every detail because that sneaky biscuit didn’t tell me a single thing about a new flame. I certainly will confront her about it. Oh boy is she going to regret she didn’t tell me sooner. I share some embarrassing stories as well about our friendship and how we met. Alexander is laughing all the time along Jace and it is definitely the best look on him I have ever seen. When Alec is happy you cannot help it but join him in this amazing feeling. Or it is just me, either way I love it. 

I yawn when I look to see it’s almost 12 PM. Jace wishes us good night and went to his bedroom as he has an early morning shift at Maia’s the next day. Luckily tomorrow it’s saturday so it doesn’t matter it’s midnight. 

Alec yawned too, but seemed to hesitate, like he doesn’t want to tell me I have to leave so he can sleep. So I get up and leave to get my jacket. But before I can take another step Alec pulls me back by his hand on my wrist. I don’t get the chance to ask what’s wrong, because Alec blurts out: “Stay.”

He lets go of my arm and seems embarrassed, “I mean uhm..W-would you like to stay?.”

He scratches his neck again, “I know it’s late already and I don’t want you to travel home so late when it’s my fault in the first place that it’s so late.”, he looks sad and avoids my eyes. 

“I guess you would rather go home, that’s okay too, but I wouldn’t mind if you stayed.”

Having Alec tortured long enough by not saying anything, I tell him:”I wouldn’t want anything more than to stay, Alexander. Alec looks up and smiles his beautiful smile.

“Really?”

“Yes of course! But I don’t want you to make uncomfortable or anything, I can sleep on the couch if you want, I wouldn’t mind.”, I tell him honestly. 

Alec looks worried for a second, “What no Magnus, definitely not! We can share my bed, I mean if you want, because for me it’s no problem, just like last time.”, he tries to tell me without being embarrassed too much and I understand because last time we ended up in his bed was because of another break down. Thinking back makes me sad, but I try to shake these thoughts because right now all I want to do is make Alec comfortable. 

So I smile back at him, “Alright, let’s sleep then.”

Alec takes my hand again and we walk back to his bedroom. 

“I have some extra clothes if you like, wait a second I will be back in a moment.”

Normally I don’t wear anything except from boxer shorts, but I don’t want to make Alec uneasy so I accept a pair of sweatpants and a grey T-shirt. 

Alec leaves again to change his own outfit in the bathroom. I already get under the covers, because it’s pretty chilly in here. Alec comes back in black sweatpants and a black T-shirt. He switches off the lights and makes his way to the left side of the bed, near the door. 

When we both seem comfortable I turn on my side to look at Alec, “I had a great time tonight, Alexander.”

“Me too, Magnus.”, he moves closer to the middle and turns on his side as well. I shiver because it’s still cold and being so close to Alec is doing things to me. 

“Are you cold?”, Alec whispers.

I bite my bottom lip, because I don’t want Alec to get another blanket. I want his warmth. To snuggle up to him and fall asleep together, but I am not sure Alec is up for that. 

Alec notices my hesitation, because he scoots a little bit closer - now we are just inches apart. 

“Magnus, what’s wrong?”, he asks sweetly.

“Do you want to cuddle? I mean we don’t have to but thought maybe you felt cold too.”, I hesitantly tell him, unsure whether I am going being too forward. 

Alec doesn’t respond for a moment and then closes the last distance between us and wraps his arms around my waist en lays his head on my shoulder. I feel his warm breath on my neck as he finally responds: “I wouldn’t want anything more at the moment.”

I bring my hands to my belly where his lay and intertwine them. I can finally relax into his chest. “Goodnight Alexander.”

Alec kisses my hair, “Goodnight, Magnus.”

And when I feel his breathing slowing a couple minutes later I finally welcome the darkness and drift off into sleep. 

\---------------------------

The room is still dark when I open my eyes again. Only some lights from outside shine through the curtains. I feel very disoriented. I rub my eyes and remember I am still at Alec’s. Huh. It’s not even morning yet. Slowly I get more awake and notice some noise around me. What on earth is that sound? Alec lays besides me, his face turned away. We fell asleep cuddling but somewhere in the night we must have broken apart. When I look closer I see Alec shuddering like crazy and him whispering inaudible words. 

“No … no.. I-I can’t”, I can make out of his mumbling. I touch Alec’s arm and he feels so fricking cold. I startle when he speaks louder, “NO, noo, please, I can’t, just let me...”

 

For a moment I am paralyzed. Shit. Should I wake him? Having a nightmare is the worst thing, but I don’t want Alec to feel embarrassed when he wakes up. 

For a moment Alec stops speaking and I think that he gets back into a dreamless sleep but then he starts screaming out of nowhere: “NOO, Stop! Just please stop! H-help, I can’t anymore.”

Alec starts sobbing and his whole body is shaking. I can’t handle this any longer so I put my arm on his shoulder and try to wake him. 

“Alec, sweetheart, wake up””, but he doesn’t respond and still cries, while he starts breathing erratically. 

“”Alec, please wake up you are having a bad dream,”, I shake his shoulder a little bit harder.

Alec starts shaking his head, “No, no, no, please.”

“ALEC, hey sweetie wake up”, and finally Alec seems to snap out of it. 

He stiffens for a moment and doesn’t make a sound. 

“Alexander, darling it’s okay you were just having a bad dream.”, I try to calm him down by making circles on his back. 

I hear him sniffling and trying to calm down his breathing. 

“Alex-”, but Alec interrupts me with a hoarse voice from sleeping, “Mags please go back to sleep I am fine.”. In other circumstances my heart would melt from the pet name, but right now that’s the last thing I care about. 

“Of course not darling, please let me see you.”

I keep rubbing his back and after a while Alec lets out an exasperated sigh.

Slowly Alec turns around and I see his tears smeared face and his sad eyes. 

I bring my hand to his face to cup his cheek, “Hey, it’s okay. You can to talk to me, alright? I am here for you, never forget that.”

Alec brings his hand to his face as well and places his hand on top of mine which is still cupping his cheek. He closes his eyes and tries to take deep breaths. 

“I am sorry I woke you.”, is the first thing Alec tells me. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it, if you don’t feel well I don’t want to sleep, I want to be there for you.”

Alec bits his bottom lip and has a look on his face like he hesitates to tell me something. 

I caress his cheek and give him all the time he needs to gather some courage and start talking. 

It takes a few minutes, but ultimately Alec opens his mouth. 

“I dreamed it again, I-I hoped I wouldn’t, because I felt so relaxed with you, before we fell asleep. I have been having the same dream over and over. Until I met you, just thinking about you or being with you made me feel much more at ease.”, he stops abruptly after admitting that, like he realizes something.

“O my god forget I said that, that is so creepy, I don’t mean it that way Magnus I promise, I am so sorry. I am such an idiot.”

I stop his rambling,”Hey darling, stop saying that. It’s not stupid or creepy. I find it actually very adorable that you think about me when you fall asleep.”, I kiss his cheek to emphasize my words. “Don’t beat yourself up darling.”

Alec seems mesmerized by my words and just nods, unable to talk right now. 

“So,”, I start caressing his face again, “what did you dream about? It’s okay if you don’t want to share, but I won’t judge you if you do.”

Alec fumbles with his shirt, but soon starts talking again, “It-it’s about something I did a couple years ago. I am not proud of it and before I tell you, you must know that I won’t do it again. Ever. I made a promise to Izzy and Jace. I can’t hurt them so badly again.”

“Of course I believe you darling.”, I encouraged him. 

Alec looks terrified right now and all I want to do is hug him, but that is not going to help him. He needs to talk about it, so I hold back and wait patiently. 

“I hurt myself. Badly. I remember feeling terrible every day. Tired. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had this sickening feeling in my stomach all the time. And one particular night it got pretty bad. I had a fight with Izzy and I felt so lonely. I had to get out of the house. Just to get some fresh air. “, Alec tried slowly to express how he felt and I see that he struggles to tell me. So I keep him grounded by taking his hand into my mine.

“So I went outside and took a stroll but ended up at a “friends’ house”, at that Alec scoffed, that was definitely not a friend and I don’t like this little revelation, but I let him continue, “But I ended up having a panic attack. I felt so bad Magnus, I wanted to leave but no one helped me. They just laughed at me and called me… things. I felt so sick I threw up and ruined some girls’ shoes. One of the guys was furious and threw me against the wall and punched me. Several times. I felt like I was about to faint until he finally stopped. 

My stomach starts clenching and I feel so bad for Alec, I want to make them pay for what they did to Alec, but that won’t help him .So I just gritted my teeth and do all I can right now, which is just giving all my attention to Alec and listen. 

“After that I ran home, I don’t know how but I did and when I finally was inside my house I got to the bathroom and got another break down. This one was worse than any panic attack I had ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe. Everything hurt so fricking much. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I thought the only way to get through it, was b-by ending it. 

I sucked in a deep breath and gasped. O my god he didn’t deserve any of this. Only the thought of Alec hurting himself just to escape the pain breaks my heart a little more. Right now, I have to use all my strengths to not throw myself at Alec and not let him finish.

Alec breathes in deeply. 

“The last thing I remember is cutting one of my wrists and falling into darkness while I hear Izzy screaming. I don’t ever remember how Izzy found me. I woke up a day later in the hospital with Izzy and Jace next to my bed. They looked devastated and I felt so ashamed. I had made my problems theirs. They didn’t deserve that burden so that’s why I promised myself I would never do that again.”

Alec stopped talking and looked away, afraid of my reaction. 

“Alexander I am so proud of you.”, I told him while holding onto his hand. 

Alec looked very confused, “Proud, Magnus didn’t you hear me? I destroyed their hope, their faith in me. Every single time they look at me I can see how much they want me to feel better. It hurts that I can’t give them this single thing and I can never forget myself for the pain I caused them.”, he looked at me with a pained expression. 

“No Alexander, I am so proud you told me all of this. I am so angry at the people who did this to you, but you got the courage to share the most painful thing in your life and for that I cannot be more proud. You must know your siblings would do anything for you, because they love you. 

Alec started shaking his head. 

“Alexander, please listen to me. They love you, you deserve to be loved. You ARE loved. You are the most wonderful person I have ever met. You care about the people who are close to you and would do anything to make them feel better. You make their wellbeing your priority instead of your own. You deserve the world Alexander, if only you would see it for yourself. 

Alec seemed stunned for a moment. He doesn’t say anything, but he lets a few tears slip from his eyes. I take my hand to his face and wipe them away with my thumb. 

“Why?”, he whispers, finally. 

“Why what darling?”, I ask him kindly.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”, he asks genuinely curious. 

“Because Alexander, you take care of the people around you, but someone has to take care of you too.”

“Thank you Magnus, I cannot say how grateful I am for meeting you. I don’t know why I deserve you-”

“Shh darling it’s alright.”, I kiss his temple and make a move for him to get closer.

Alec takes the hint and embraces me in a tight hug. We stay like that for a couple minutes until Alec looks into my eyes. They still seem a little sad, but have a certain calmness around them too. We both keep looking into each other’s eyes and then Alec moves forward and presses his lips onto mine. It is a chaste kiss, but he puts so much tenderness in it. We keep kissing for a while and I lay my hands on his hips. He puts his hand on the back of my neck. We stop to catch our breaths and are practically panting into each other’s mouths, while our foreheads stay connected. I feel something wet on my cheek and open my eyes to see Alec is crying again. 

“Hey darling it’s okay, I am here for you.”, I tell him softly while caressing his cheek to wipe away his tears. 

Alec chuckles, which I did not expect at all at this moment. 

“No Magnus, I am happy. I am so happy I am here with you. I love you.”. His eyes widen in realisation which words he just said, but I don’t give him time to feel embarrassed or to feel sorry for feeling the way he feels. I bring my mouth back to his into a searing kiss and break way after a moment, Alec still chasing after my lips. I break into a big smile and throw my worries from earlier away, “I love you too darling.”. Alec shows a big goofy smile and we keep cuddling, just enjoying each other’s company. 


	10. Just pretend I am fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time some more about Alec's history and the Lightwood family. Also Alec's insight on his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! It feels good to update so soon after last weeks chapter :) I do hope you enjoy this one. I am a bit sad, because my vacation is coming near an end so I won't have much time updating again soon, but I will definitely try to work something out, as I love writing this story :) I also want to thank everyone for taking the time to read this story and I love your comments so much! Y'all are so nice. I get so motivated to keep going every time I read one of your messages, so thank you for taking the time to react as well!  
> I wish you a wonderful day wherever you are :) Remember you are all wonderful human beings even if you don't always realise. 
> 
> Love,
> 
> Confettisprinkles

Snuggling with Magnus is my new favourite thing I think to myself. It’s not that early in the morning anymore but I can’t get myself to care, because it’s a saturday and saturday are for snuggling I just decided. Magnus and I have been awake for awhile but we still lay in bed together, in a comfortable silence. My head rests on his chest. His arms are around me and his fingers are carding softly through my hair. The moment is too perfect to interrupt. I could fall asleep again any moment. But the moment of peace is over when Izzy is pounding at my door. We both sit up straight in bed - well Magnus did so I automatically did too. Oh damn the universe. Magnus too seems disappointed, because he sighs exaggeratedly.

 

“Alec Lightwood get your ass out of bed and come here right now!”, she screamed.

 

She doesn’t say another thing and I hear her walk away from the door. If Izzy isn’t even bothering to get into my room, it means that it’s very serious and if I want to avoid a blood bad I have to follow her immediately. So I get out of bed and look for a clean T-shirt to look somewhat more presentable for this ‘early’ wake-up call.

 

Magnus chuckles, “She certainly has a way of greeting you in the morning.”

 

I roll my eyes and throw another T-shirt into Magnus’ face. He catches it easily and keeps smirking. 

Together we walk to the living room where Izzy is waiting with her hands on her hip.

 

When she sees Magnus she suddenly puts on a happy face, “Magnus! I didn’t know you stayed the night!, she says with a smirk, ”Good to see you!”

 

Magnus smiles back at her, “Yes wonderful to see you too Isabelle!”.

 

Then she turns to me again and has her ‘serious face’ on again. We can’t all have luck, I internally sigh.

 

“So you must be surprised why I woke you up, but maybe you know something about a call from a few days ago, care to share something with us Alec?”, Izzy gave me a scolding look.

 

“What are you talking about, what call?”, I have no clue where this conversation is heading.

 

“I don’t know, maybe you remember a call from a certain lady. Tall woman. Long hair, brown eyes, looks just like me,”, Izzy proudly gestures with her hand to her body, but after the still puzzled look on my face, she looses her patience, “Oh come on Alec I do hope you didn’t forget that mother called!”

 

My mouth falls open. Oh shit. So  _ that’s  _ what this is about.

 

“Aha so you  _ do  _ remember. Good because this morning I got a call from our lovely mother that she wants to see us next week. She said that you promised we would have dinner together, next week. The four of us. So I think you must agree that I was slightly shocked when I found out. “

 

I am speechless for a moment. Well shit. Mom called me a few days ago. It has been ages since I last saw her. Definitely a couple months, now that I think about it. After all the shit that has happened two years ago our contact has been scarce. Dad told me to man it up and mom brushes it off as a minor panic attack. Izzy and Jace were furious when they heard their reactions. That’s why college was the perfect opportunity to just move out and not talk again. Robert doesn’t seem to have a problem with that but mom seems to feel remorse. Every once in a while she calls one of us to meet. She is trying, but for me it’s still very painful. The first time we met up after The Night she pretended like nothing had happened. Izzy lashed out at her and it had taken months for her to even text me. I have met up with her once alone. And I tried to explain it, but she just doesn't get it. She thinks it’s just a bad day, or bad week. But that’s not what this is. I feel sorry for her, because she kind of lost contact with all of here three children, but Jace tells me every time it’s not my fault and Izzy doesn’t regret anything she has said so I understand why she is a bit mad at me right now. When mom called I felt guilty again so that’s why I said okay. But I hoped to avoid any confrontations like this.

 

“I am sorry Izzy, I really didn’t mean to hide it for so long.”, I tell her and try to convey that I mean it.

 

She sighs, “You know I can’t stay mad at you. I suppose it is time that we see mom again after all.”

 

I am truly relieved that she lets me off the hook so easily and she must have noticed, “BUT”, she points a finger at me, “I don’t want you to lie to me again, understood?”, I nodded and looked to my feet, because Angry Izzy is horrifying.

 

Izzy must believe me, because she claps her hands together, “Alright now that we have that out of the way, who is up for pancakes?”.

 

Magnus breathed out heavily, “Thank goodness I thought you would never ask.”

 

And we laugh very hard after that, all three pleased to have the mood lighten up again.  

\-------

We had a very nice pancake breakfast - our rather brunch since it already was 1 PM. Izzy tried not so subtly to fish out if we  _ had any fun  _ anything last night and I was of course very embarrassed for a solid 10 min investigation. After that Izzy finallys leaves for her shift at Maia’s and Magnus and I lounge on the couch. My back rests against one side of the couch and Magnus rests his against my chest and lays between my legs which are stretched out. We watch some shitty TV - a show called Project Runway which I’ve never heard of before but Magnus seems to enjoy it -  when Magnus breaks the silence.

 

“You know you can talk about your mother right?”, he says while playing with my fingers in his hand.

 

I tense up for a moment when he mentions mom, but then I remember Magnus wouldn’t judge me for this.

 

“Yeah I know, It-It’s just that I haven’t seen her in a while and I feel bad about abandoning her. I stop for a moment, because I am still trying to figure in what way I can best talk about this, ”but at the same time I feel like I would betray Izzy if I do see her more often.”

 

“What makes you think you would betray Izzy?”, Magnus asks genuinely curious.

 

“Well I am the reason Izzy and Jace don’t talk to her much anymore and I feel like if I do meet up again I am such an hypocrite. I mean they left everything behind for me and I can’t just bond with mom and pretend like nothing happened. That’s just not fair to them.”

 

Magnus hums, like he understand, but I feel there’s more to it.

 

“But darling you know it was their own choice to leave everything be hind as you say it, right? I mean I don’t know the whole story obviously, but it does have something to do with your accident, doesn’t it?”

 

I can feel he just wants to confirm his thoughts, but I can’t trace a hint of judgement. Magnus certainly does know how to handle this conversation. He just makes it so easy to talk about it. Like it’s normal. Like I don’t have to be ashamed of my past and for that I am very grateful at this moment.

 

“Yeah it does. When mom and dad found out what happened they pretended like it was just an accident and I would be okay the moment I left the hospital. Dad told me several times..T-to act like a man and not mope around.”, I try to stabilize my voice, but I failed. Thinking back to his words have a bigger impact on me than I thought. I try to control my breathing for a second and Magnus must notice my struggling, because he squeezes my hand reassuringly. I try again, “He didn’t even looked at me whenever he spoke to me, like he was disgusting, a failure, an idiot who couldn’t handle his own emotions. And mom cared no more than dad did. She just pretended like I was having a bad day - or as she would say a bad week”, I scoffed. It all makes me just so angry. I thought that I accepted it and I could move on, but I guess I was wrong. My hands tremble like crazy and Magnus takes my hand in his and turns halfway to face me.

 

“Hey darling, it’s okay, they can’t hurt you anymore, don’t forget that.”. I gave him a half smile and closed my eyes for a minute to calm down my breathing. Magnus patiently waits until I am ready to speak again. When I open my eyes he looks at me with such a tender expression. I look into his eyes and I feel nothing but calmness when I drown in those beautiful golden brown eyes,, “I love you Magnus.”, Magnus looks surprised for a moment, but covers it up and smiles brightly back, “I love you too, darling.” He must feel that I don’t want to talk about it anymore so he doesn’t push the subject any further. After that we just enjoy each other’s company without saying much, only breaking the silence by laughing at the TV, where Magnus makes fun of the ridiculous clothes designs, some of the contestants come up with.

 

After a moment Magnus bolted right up, “Ooh shit! Chairman Meow! I have to feed him!”

 

I chuckle at his sudden realization, “And you only realise that now after all this time, I wouldn’t want to be your pet. Poor thing.”

 

Magnus puts his hand on his heart and faked being offended, “Hey! Be nice to me! I cannot help it that you are so distracting.”.

 

I pout for a moment, “Oh yeah put the blame on me. “ Magnus ruffles my hairs and kisses my cheek.

 

“Well darling I hate to leave you right now, but I do have to give some attention to my other lover.”

 

I imitate Magnus’ movement by putting a hand on my heart and fake being offended, “Your  _ other  _ lover and here I thought I was special.”

 

Magnus stands up to leave but before he pecks my lips, “Ooh don’t you worry  _ you _ are special indeed.”, I wanted to be mad by the short kiss, but I can’t because I blush so hard by his compliment.

 

“See you soon?”, Magnus asks with big puppy eyes. I cannot help but feel a bit surprised he wants so see me so soon again, but then I shake of these thoughts as I do know Magnus wants to be with me, just as much I want to be with him. Then I remember something.

 

“Ooh yeah! I forgot to ask you! Do you want to join our game night tonight? Izzy, Jace, Simon, Clary, Maia and I have a game night every other week and I would love for you to come as well, I mean if you have something more important or if you don’t feel like it, that’s okay too, I mean you don’t have to for me, b-”, Magnus cuts my little rambling off by kissing me properly this time, I am shocked for a moment, but then I rush forward as well and we keep kissing and there may be some tongue involved as well. I also may be moaning a bit loudly but I don’t care, because kissing Magnus is the best thing in the world, as Magnus must agree, because he makes the same noises. as I do  When we finally break apart, we pant harshly. “Of course I want to join darling, I wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity where I can finally meet everyone and get to show of my boyfriend.”  _ Boyfriend _ . Oh that’s sounds amazing. I gave him a big smile.

 

“Well then,  _ boyfriend  _ I will see you tonight.”

 

Magnus winks at me and gives me a last chaste kiss on the lips, before I have the chance to deepen it, “See you tonight, handsome”, he calls when he walks out of the door and I am glad he doesn’t have to see me blushing again. 

\-------

After Magnus left I feel like I am on cloud nine. I haven’t been in such a good mood for a while so I am going to make the most of it, as long as it lasts. I clean up the house for a bit, even manage to do some work for a couple courses for college and do the mountains of laundry which keep piling up because that’s what you get if you live together with a fashionista - that’s the word right? -  like Izzy and Jace who likes to work out a lot.

 

The last couple of days have been kind of like unbelievable. From being on the bottom and having break downs to being happy and enjoying the moment with the most lovely human being. It’s hard to comprehend these big mood swings and I try not to think too much about it, too often. When I feel sad all I can think about is how I am never going to get better, how I will always be this bitter person. Someone who doesn’t have anything to offer to the world. Someone who the word is better off without him in it. It hurts so fricking much. It gives me headaches and this constant feeling of being on edge. It drains my energy and at those moments all I want to do is sleep or stay in bed at least.

 

But then on the other hand when I do get up and get about my day and I get to see Magnus everything works out fine. Yes, there are still moments where I want to burst out in tears and throw everything away, but Magnus grounds me and makes me feel calmer. Like I can handle the world. With Magnus it’s just so much easier. There’s no shame, no hate, no self doubt. Only love. I want to cling onto those moments. To have them last forever, but I know nothing lasts forever. I do try to enjoy it as much a possible though and I think I am getting better at that.

 

Even though I feel there’s this constant battle in my head. The one where I am happy but something keeps nagging in the back of my head.This feeling of unworthiness, this feeling where I am not allowed to be happy. Like something bad is going to happen soon. And just thinking these thoughts ruin my happiness. Before I have the chance to get sad I already think about being sad, which just causes a downward spiral. All of this I do realize but it’s hard to stop it. The only times I can force myself to stop is when Magnus is around and he subconsciously pulls me up, out of the spiral. For that I cannot be more happy.

 

It worries me also a bit that Magnus helps me so much, because I have known him only for like three weeks. What if this is all over soon, what if he gets bored or annoyed at me for not getting my shit together. I don’t want to disappoint Magnus. To throw away what we have. I cannot help but let my insecurities get to me.

 

Dad always got mad at me when I stayed at home for a day when things got so bad I felt sick and dizzy and could not even get out of bed. Dad told me to stop exaggerating, that a little stomach ache is perfectly normal. Only when I threw up like two times in a row on those days he would leave me alone and ignore me for days after. Mom always said I easily catched the flu, even though everybody knew it wasn’t just the flu. It was more than that. The doctors at the hospital told me I have a depression and put me on a waiting list for therapy. It had costed a few months before I could go to group sessions. But I don’t like being in front of groups of people and combine that with talking about my feelings made me so anxious I couldn’t handle it. So I ended up only going two times before quitting therapy. Mom and dad accepted my decision and thought I was already feeling better. Izzy pushed me several times to do private sessions, but I was so scared and felt like I wouldn’t be taken seriously, just be like mom and dad did and pretended I just was moody.

 

Jace didn’t try actively to get me to therapy, but he tried to help me in his own way. He would relentlessly ask me to go to the gym, which I refused in the beginning, but Jace didn’t budge and in the end I gave in. It certainly did help me to some extent. Just blowing off some steam, without having to talk was definitely more my cup of tea. Jace always encouraged me to push harder and to let out any bottled up feelings. Izzy didn’t gave up either and came up with different methods. She forced me to go to some yoga and meditation classes with her, which I didn’t enjoy very much. She also looked up some books on self help and gave a few to me as a present. Some of the books were helpful indeed and I would take the advice , but shortly after I finished a book I always felt like I couldn’t hold the positive thoughts and drifted off into the same negative cycle. Other times she would sit down with me and gently encourage me to talk about what’s on my mind. Sometimes I would let her help, but other times I would just close myself off. Either way they both did and still do as much as possible to make me feel better. It is hard to see them try so many things and so many times, without clear result, but I am thankful they keep trying because it does help even if I don’t show it to them directly. I guess I don’t want to bother them every single time whenever we are together, because I don’t want everything to be about me. They have a life too and they need just as much support as they give to me..

 

Being so caught up in my head I only notice now that it’s already 7PM and the rest of the gang is supposed to be here at 8. So I walk to the bathroom to take a nice warm shower and start getting ready. But before I get in I hear the  _ ping _ sound of my phone, which means I have a message from Magnus. Okay the shower can wait a little longer.

 

I see a picture of Magnus holding two shirts in his hand with the question:  _ blue or red? _

Just looking at him makes me blush hard. How can he be so beautiful. Behind the t-shirt I can sneak a peak at his naked chest and his amazing abs. Oh shit. I am doomed. This guy is going to be the death of me. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I remember I am so lucky to be with him. I just stared at the picture for a solid three minutes, before I text him back.

 

**Definitely blue, it makes your eyes pop :)**

**Ooh good point! You never cease to amaze me, you secretly love fashion, don't you ;) I am going to ask you advice more often, Alexander. See you in a bit darling ;)**

 

Oh I am so ready for a fun night. With Magnus by my side it’s going to be a wonderful evening and I am sure everybody will love him in an instant, because who cannot fall for that charm. Feeling cheerful I turn on the speakers in the bathroom and I finally get started. I wash my body and hair quickly before I turn off the water. I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist when I search for a razor to shave my face. It’s been awhile and while I do love some stubble, it’s getting a bit out of hand.

 

Razors where something I wasn’t allowed to use for a long time. Izzy threw anything sharp out of the house, but since I had promised I wouldn’t hurt myself again she slowly trusted me more and more. It had costed me over a year, but one day she gave me a new one and she told me to ‘not let her regret giving me one’, which I took very seriously. I got to admit sometimes it is still hard. It easy to get caught up in your head and just do it. But I know the pain will only be masked for a few minutes and then the emotions will flood back twice as hard. I will feel guilty because I failed Izzy and Jace again and I will feel ashamed because I failed myself again. I don’t want to feel weak over my own body. I want to have control over it. It is an ongoing process, but I can handle it better than a year ago, so there is some progress.

 

I clean my face with some face wash and shave it. I hope Magnus likes it this way, because I love his smooth skin under my fingers. I love everything about him, but that is definitely an extra bonus. I look at myself in the mirror and I cannot comprehend what’s there to like to be be honest, but Magnus seems glad to look at it, as I sometimes catch him stare. He is so perfect and I still can’t over the fact that someone like him wants to be with someone like me. I am just mediocre and he is at the top, way above me. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I cannot help but notice. I grip the sink hard with my fingers and stare into the mirror. It’s disgusting. I feel tears well up in my eyes and I don’t know where this sudden feeling is coming from. A moment ago I was fine and the next moment it hit me hard.

 

The only way to feel better is to look away so that’s what I do. I walk to my bedroom, pick out some black T-shirt and black stone-washed jeans. I don’t care how it looks, the t-shirt with long sleeves is just so soft and I want to feel comfortable. It’s just half past 7 so I have another half an hour before Magnus shows up. I let myself fall onto the bed and wrap myself up in the blanket. I still feel nauseous so I close my eyes for a minute and try to focus on my breathing and try to enjoy the quietness. Soon I feel myself drifting off in a light sleep, clutching at the blankets. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the ending! But I felt like it was going to smoothly for Alec and following his state of mind I thought I had to go a little of the main road. Nevertheless I do hope you liked this one :)  
> See you soon!


	11. I am glad you stayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, it's time for game night where Magnus meets the rest of the gang! But where is Alexander? This one is full with some surprising moments, a lot of fun and a much needed talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I am back with a new chapter! This week has been stressful, since I went back to university, but I couldn't wait to write a new chapter so here you are! I hope you will enjoy it :)
> 
> Sending you much love and I hope you have a wonderful week!
> 
> Love,
> 
> confettisprinkles

It’s been an hour since Alexander and I texted, he hasn’t been online since so I guess he is taking his time getting ready and cleaning the house, the little clean freak he is. Alexander and his little quirks makes me laugh though. It’s so adorable. I love him because of it. But  I love everything about him, so that’s really no surprise.

 

I texted Alexander before I left my place that I was on my way to him, but he still hasn't read any of my texts. It took me 15 minutes to walk to his block and right now I am standing before his door, while I wait for him to open. After a few minutes I still don’t hear noises inside. Hmm that’s strange. Alec is supposed to be at home right now. I decide to sit down in the corridor and call him. My phone keeps ringing but still no sign of Alec. Maybe he forgot some groceries and is rushing to the supermarket or something. I try to to think the worst, maybe it's nothing. Anyway, the others should be here soon enough so Isabelle or Jace can open the door.

 

“Magnus! Hey!”, I look behind me and see Isabelle and a boy with brown hair and glasses walking up to me with two bags full of groceries - huh I guess Alexander didn’t have to go get groceries after all. Isabelle looks confused, “Why aren’t you inside already?”

“Well Alexander won’t answer my calls and nobody is at home.”, I tell her, being confused as well.

Isabelle flashes a look of worry for a second before covering it up with a small smile, “Well I guess he must have forgotten something, anyway this is Simon, Simon this is Magnus.”

The boy with the glasses looks awkwardly before he sticks out his hand to shake mine, “Hi nice to meet you! I heard a lot of great things about you Magnus!”.

 

I give him a surprised look and smile back, “Nice to meet you too Simon”.  He seems like a nice fellow.

 

Isabelle takes out her keys and turns the lock in the door and waves at us to come inside.

 

“Make yourself at home I am going to grab us some drinks”, Isabelle tells us before she walks to the kitchenette and Simon sits down on one of the bar stools.

 

“Actually if you don’t mind I am going to look if my jacket is still in Alexanders room, before I forget it again.” I don’t feel right about Alexander not being at home. I have a feeling I may find something in his room what tells me about where he might be.

 

“Yeah no problem, you know where his room is.”, Isabelle smirks and waggles her eyebrows at me.

 

I wink at her and shrug, trying to convey I am innocent, for once.

 

Simon seems oblivious of what is happening and helps Isabelle unpack the bags of groceries.

 

I start to worry more, because where the hell can Alexander be?

 

I get my answer as soon as I walk into Alexander’s bedroom. There he lays, snoring under the covers. He seems peaceful from a distance, but when I walk closer to him I see his eyebrows are furrowed in a deep frown and he’s whispering words I cannot make out. He clutches the blanket very tightly as his knuckles are getting white.

 

I brush a stray of hair off his forehead as gentle as possible, because I don’t want t startle him awake. Well that was a big fail, because the moment I touch his forehead Alexander jolts awake and sits right up, staring at me with wide eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights.

 

I hold up my hands as to not scare him more, “Hey darling it’s just me, everything is okay.”

 

Alexander is tensed for another moment, before he visibly releases the tension in his shoulder and he sighs out loudly.

 

“Hey”, he says with a crooked, sleepy voice, “I just wanted to take a quick nap before everyone came”, he looks in front of him, but seems far away in thoughts.

 

He wipes his hand over his face, “But I guess I had a bad dream again.”, he says after a while, seeming to have snapped out of his thoughts. He avoids my eyes and rests his hands in his lap.

 

I move closer and sit at the end of the bed, “Hey, don’t be ashamed, everyone has them. I do too, you know.”

 

Alexander looks up with a sad expression on his face before looking down again, “Yeah I guess.”

 

I bring my hand to his face and tilt up his chin to let him look into my eyes, “They are not real Alexander, don’t let them get to you”, I tell him as he nods. I give him a soft kiss on his lips. He melts into my touch and brings his hand to my neck. After a few kisses, he seems certainly more relaxed than a few minutes ago. We break apart and grab his hand gently, “Are you ready to face the rest?”

 

Alexander chuckles at that, “I thought I should be the one asking you this question.”

 

I laugh as well, “Well I am, I met Simon already, seems like a nice kid.”

 

“Yeah he is. A bit of a nerd but also funny. Plus he has a crush on Isabelle so that’s extremely hilarious to watch, because Izzy doesn’t seem to notice.”

 

“Ooh you enjoy others suffering in silence don’t you, I wouldn’t have taken you for a devil’s child.”, I wink at him.

 

Alec blushes at that, “No”, he draws out the word as to make a point, “ I only enjoy _Simon_ suffering in silence. You will see, it’s adorable.”

 

“Adorable huh? I know another very adorable human.”, I kiss his cheek and get him out of bed.

 

Before we walk out of the door, Alexanders pulls me against the door and grins his amazing wide smile before he kisses me hard on my lips. As I recover from the shock from what just happened I ask, “What was that for?”

 

Alexander smiles again and just shrugs, “I just love you.”

 

Before I can say it back - or kiss him senseless again - he walks out of the bed room. Guess he is a little devil after all. I am so getting revenge later, because you do not tease Magnus Bane without being teased back, but for now I will let it go, the little bastard. I shake my head and walk through the door.

 

As I follow him towards the living room I notice the rest has arrived as well.

 

I notice a girl with beautiful golden brown skin and black curls. I also see Jace and Clary sitting on a sofa, whom looks very confused as to why I am here.

 

“Magnus! What are you doing here!”, she almost yells at me. Besides her Jace is smirking as much as I am. When we found out we both knew Clary, we made a promise to each other that we wouldn’t tell her until we would see her at the same time. The little redhead forgot to mention she dated a Lightwood boy so this was our payback.

 

“Well I am here with my _boyfriend_ , but I guess you are as well, don’t you, biscuit?”, I flicker my eyes to Jace before turning my eyes back on Clary who is turning very quickly bright red.

 

“I-I… What? No! I mean… uh Jace and I are just friends…”, Clary mutters softly. I quirk my eyebrows at her. seriously? _just_ friends. Oh Clary you don’t know half of it. Jace seems embarrassed as well, but shrugs it off, like the cool kid he is of course.

 

“I guess I should’ve told you earlier that I am friends with Jace...”, she mumbled, being very ashamed that I only found out know.

 

I chuckle, “Ooh don’t you worry Jace and I have bonded already so there’s no need to be timid about it.”

 

Then Clary seems to remember something, “Wait a minute! What did you mean by boyfriend, what are _you_ talking about?”, Clary seems clearly confused.

 

Alexander steps closer to me and puts an arm around my waist, “Well I guess I got a confession to make as well.”

 

The girl with the curls squeaked, “Ooh you finally got together with Mr. Glitter?”, she clapped in her hands very excitedly, before turning to me, “No offense, I really love your sense of fashion!”

 

I smile back at her, she seems like someone who isn’t afraid to speak her mind, but isn’t mean about it, I can feel I am liking here already, “Don’t worry darling, none taken, also thank you! I do love me some glitter.”, I proudly told her, while showing off my silk turquoise top with glitter embroideries on it.

 

“Well I am glad you approve,”, Alexanders chuckles, “Anyway, Magnus this is Maia, Maia this is Magnus as you already knew.”

After this moment Isabelle and Simon walk into the living room with dishes of food.

 

Everybody seems very excited at all the food.

 

“Finally! I was starving,”, Jace groans.

“Well why didn’t you help Simon then? I would have loved to help him, but I am not _allowed_ ”, Isabelle scolds his brother playfully. Simon seems to blush a little by Isabelle’s words of affection, which nobody comments on. Alexander was right, this is going to be amusing indeed.

 

“You are taking this ‘Izzy can’t cook thing’ very seriously aren’t you?”, I whisper to Alexander.

 

Alexander laughs, “Believe me it’s for the best.”

 

Maia seems to overheard me, because she mouths to me that Alec is right. Ooh these goofs. Unbelievable.

 

“Simon is too good of a chef, I only would disturb him.”, Jace shrugs.

 

“Ooh now you are being humble, huh?”, Clary shakes her head and laughs.

 

Alexander tells me every time they have a game night Isabelle comes up with a food theme as she claims she has the right to come up with the ideas because she cannot execute them. And this night it’s Mexican Night. I drool at the sight of all the food. There are plates of enchiladas, fajitas, bowls of guacamole and many more little side dishes.

 

Together we eat and I moan at the first bit of my enchilada, “Ooh my god Simon this is amazing!”, I tell him and I am not even exaggerating. The rest tunes in and tells Simon as well how wonderful the dishes are.

 

Simon seems a little awkward at all the attention, but gives a small bow.  “”Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.”

 

Soon after we finished all the food, which took some effort as it was a lot, Alexander and Clary take up the responsibility to wash the dishes - again little clean freak - while the rest sit down in the sofa, recovering from a food baby.

 

Maia is the first one to break the silence, “Soo Magnus, tell us, do you study at NYU as well?”

 

I quirk up at her question, “Yes I do! I study fashion design, I want to have my own clothes line.”

 

“Wow, seems like you are pretty motivated, It’s nice to see for once a young person with big ambitions.”, she seems like she is talking from experience. And then It clicked.

 

“Wait, are you the owner of the coffee corner?”, I ask her.

 

“Yes I am the proud owner of Maia’s coffee corner, indeed.”, she smiles warmly at me.

 

“Ooh I love that place, I come there often! But I didn’t notice you there?”

 

“Yeah I know, I don’t do any shifts as barista anymore, but I have a wonderful team working for me, she looks over to Jace and Isabelle, “I am more working behind the scenes, Like going on business travel to the coffee plantations in Brasil or Indonesia. I do want to start my own coffee brand as well, but I am not there yet. I guess we have those big dreams in common.”

 

“Oh that’s amazing!”, Maia seems very passionate as well, “”Also I am from Indonesia!”

 

“Really? That’s so cool, Magnus.”, Isabelle looks at me with a bright smile.

 

“Yeah, my mom and I came to the States when I was four years old, so I don’t remember much, but I am proud of my roots though.”, I tell her cheerfully.

 

“Ooh can you make lapis legit? I love that cake!”, Jace seems excited as well by this new information.

 

I laugh at his sudden outburst, “I do actually, I made that a lot with my mom.”, I tell them thinking back to those sunday mornings when we were backing the brown and green goodness. It brings back nostalgic feelings. I would do anything to make them one last time together. I miss her very much, but couldn’t I be more proud of the mom I had and how lucky I got to have all those years together. After she died I didn’t try to make them again. It just didn’t felt the same without her. But I think maybe now is a good time to try again and to conserve her legendary Lapis Legit or spekuk as mom called them always.

 

I get snapped out of my thoughts by Jace, “Can you please please-pleaseee make them sometime?”, he almost begs, a thing I thought I would never see him do.

 

At that moment Alexander and Clary come back walking out of the kitchenette.

 

“Why is Jace practically kneeling in front of Magnus?”, Alexanders looks very confused but breaks out laughing, so does Clary. I love that sound so much. The smile looks so good on him. I will do anything to make him smile more often and to let him stop worrying. He deserves to be happy, so I join them and tell Jace, “Alright I will make you those cakes, I can’t promise you how much though, I do love them too.”

 

As Alexander sits next to me again, he whispers “I didn’t know my _boyfriend_ is a chef.”

 

I smirk back to him, “Well maybe you have to find out for yourself then.”

 

“I will hold you onto that,” he says while he pecks my cheek.

 

“Aww you guys are so adorable, “, Isabelle smiles brightly while Alexander rolls his eyes, but blushes a little nonetheless.

 

We finally begin the games by starting of with Pictionary. Alexander, Maia and I form a team versus Isabelle, Simon, Clary and Jace. I also learned that Alexander actually can draw very good, just like Clary of course, while Jace tries to cheat every so often.

 

“What?! It’s not my fault you don’t recognize my tree.”, Jace huffs.

 

Clary snorts, “Jace that is a stick with a cloud, that is not the same.”

 

And soon the game gets more serious and after a while our team wins four rounds, while Isabelle’s team won three.

Currently in the 8th and last round, Simon is drawing what appeared to be a stormtrooper, “Come on guys it’s not that hard.”

 

After he declared it was a stormtrooper, Isabelle told him, “Simon! I don’t know any Star Wars figures so this was definitely not easy.”, Isabelle laughs at him.

 

“Well maybe we should watch the movies, then this wouldn’t be a problem, would it?”, Simon tries subtly to ask Isabelle on a date, while Alexander and I exchange looks. Simon trying indeed is fun to watch. Poor guy.

 

Isabelle though, doesn’t get it, “Simon for the last time, we are _not_ watching Star Wars”, Simon seems to pout but doesn’t say anything further, while I try to not burst out laughing. Alexander notices and elbows me in my side, warning me. I mouth sorry to him and he just looks affectionately at me while he shakes his head.

 

After that we played another bunch of games like Cards Against Humanity and Werewolves. It was so much fun. Simon kept throwing little hints round the whole evening, while Alexander and I tried not to laugh. Jace and Clary were very lovey-dovey with each other, but kept denying that there was something more and they were _just friends_. I guess we will see about that in a little while. Alexander and Jace were very competitive against each other and several times Jace tried to cheat or distract him, by calling my name. Everytime Alec looked up and Jace would get his move on. After a few times, however, Alexander recognized Jace’s strategy and blushed very hard. I kept smirking at him and was very pleased with this information. But not giving up easily Alexander tried the same tactic with Clary’s name and Jace fell for it just as easily, the fool he is. It was very amusing to watch. In the end they called a truce, though.

 

It was rather late when we finished our final round of Taboo and cleaned up the living room. We said goodbye to Maia, Simon and Clary and wished Jace and Isabelle a good night before Alec and I went back to Alexander’s bed room.

 

“I am glad you stayed.”, Alexander tells me happily.

 

“Of course, I want to be with you as long as possible.”, I told him and saw a flicker of worry on Alec face but he turned away from me to get some pajamas.

 

“Do you want to shower first?”, he asks me.

 

I bite my bottom lip and hesitate. Would it be too soon to ask Alec if he wants to shower together? I would love the idea, but I am not sure Alexanders is up for that so soon. Either way I don’t care I would just be as happy to just cuddle with Alexander in bed. I don’t care if he is not ready yet, I will love him the same way. We don’t have to rush anything. So deciding that it doesn’t matter, I take a chance at asking flirtingly, “Orr, we could shower together? You know save water and all.”

 

Alexander still has his back to me, but I see him tense up and stops in his tracks. I wait a second, but he still doesn’t say anything. Okay I guess it’s the latter.

 

“Alexander turn around please, I won’t be mad I promise.”

 

Slowly Alexander turned and looked very uncomfortable.

 

“Darling if you don’t want to it’s fine, I don’t mind. I only want to if you want to. We could just cuddle in bed if you like. I just want to enjoy your company, that’s all.”, I try to reassure him.

 

Alexander nods and grabs my hand, “I-It’s not that I don’t want you, because I love you, but I feel like I am not ready for that. “, he almost whispers to me.

 

I bring my other hand to his face and cup his cheek, “Darling that’s okay, you can be honest with me, I won’t judge you. I only want what you are comfortable with, I want you to feel safe with me.”

Alexander looks into my eyes and speaks for the first time in this conversation with determination, “I do Magnus, I feel safe whenever I am with you, don’t ever doubt that.”

 

I keep moving my thumb on his cheek, “I love you Alexander.”, I tell him with the same determination.

 

“So do I.”, he tells me back. He brings his arms around me and gives me a tight hug. I bring my face into the crook of his neck and we stay like that for awhile.

 

Alexander is the first to break apart, “Alright you can use the shower if you want I will wait here for you.”, he tells me kindly.

 

I accept a fresh pair of Alexander’s seat pants and black T-shirt to change into after the shower. I don’t want it to be awkward between us after this so before I hop into the bathroom I peck him on his cheek and give him my warmest smile, “I will hurry.”.

 

When I get in the shower, I notice he only has one bottle in here. A 2-in-1 body wash and shampoo. I chuckle because it’s so Alec. So practical. Oh lord we need to change that as quickly as possible. I guess we have to do some shopping tomorrow because this is not even legally allowed. I quickly shower and dry myself off with a towel, before changing into the improvised pajamas.

 

When I return I see that Alexander is the bed already, wrapped up in one of the blankets with his eyes half closed. He looks so adorable right now. My heart melts at the sight. I join him and he turns halfway to face me. “I really did enjoy tonight.”, he tells me. I am glad Alexander had a good time, because I did too. “Me too, Alexander. Your friends are wonderful.”

 

“Yeah they are, I could see they loved you as well. Simon seemed smitten by your compliments about the food and Maia seemed very impressed by all the things you accomplished with your studies, she told me. But I wasn’t really surprised, I mean only a fool can’t love you.”

 

I am flattered by all these compliment so I kiss him passionately. “Oh Alexander, why did I deserve you again?.”, Alexander chuckles.

“You mean why did _I_ deserve _you_.”

 

“Alright, alright we agree that we deserve each other, yes?”, I give him soft kisses at his cheek, eyebrows, forehead, each eyelid and lastly on his mouth, but only shortly.

 

Alexander pouts at the last chaste kiss and moves to get closer again, “Tut tut”, I tell him to wait. Alexander groans exaggeratedly, “Why are you torturing me?”

 

I take the blanket Alexander has himself wrapped in and bring it around us both so we can be closer. I move to rests on his chest and tangle our legs together. “Because a certain someone let me wait as well, after he pushed me against the door and walked away.”

 

“Ah yeah I suppose that’s fair.”, Alexander chuckles as he kisses me again, properly this time. He puts his hand into my hair and I bring my hand on his hip. We kiss for a while and break apart to breathe - more like pant. Before things can get to heated I lay my head on his chest and snuggle up close to him. Alexander keeps his hand in my hair and cards his fingers through it. We keep silent for awhile, just enjoy the relaxed vibe, before Alexander breaks the silence.

 

“Magnus?”, he asks hesitantly.

 

“Yes darling?”, I tell him, curious at what his question might be.

 

“Do you think I should see someone?”, he asks unsure of himself.

I want to make a joke about that he is already seeing someone. Romantically of course, just to tease him, but I know that Alexander sounds very serious right now so If I talk about this lightly I am afraid he closes himself off and I would kick myself if that would happen.

 

I try to approach the subject easily, “Do _you_ think you should see someone?”

 

Alexander is quiet for a moment, like he hadn’t thought about it that way.

 

“Well Izzy tells me often I should try again and I- I just don’t know”, he sighs before he continues, “I guess I should. People say it is supposed to be a good thing to talk about it and just let out all the thoughts which have been repeating in my head, but I am scared.”, he almost whispers the last words.

 

I turn on my other side to look Alexander in the eyes, “I understand it seems frightening, but maybe it’s good to clear your thoughts and get a professional outlook. You know you can always talk to me, but if you rather talk to someone who doesn’t know you personally I understand that as well. Don’t think I would be offended, darling. I would do anything to make you feel better in an instant.”

 

At that I see Alexander smile, “Thank you.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me darling, that’s what I am here for right? We support each other.”

 

“Yeah you are right. It’s just.. You make it sound so uncomplicated. Like it’s actually an option to talk about it and that I don’t have to be ashamed.”

 

“Because you don’t have to be Alexander. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel. It just would be wrong to keep feeling that way. I am here to help you through it, because you deserve to be happy. And don’t think this is some sort of project for me earning more Karma Points”, at that Alexander chuckles, probably thinking back to our first time meeting. “I _want_ to help you, because I love you and your struggles won’t make me go away.”

 

Alexander seems speechless, but starts soon talking again, “I think it’s time to try again… but will you help me?”, he looks at me with a sad, hopeful expression, like he is not sure how I will respond, still after all this time I told him I will be there for him. So I tell him again.

 

“Of course I will darling, but take all the time you need Alexander, I will be there for you all the way. Together we will get you through it I promise, okay?”, I ask him, hoping he has some confidence in this whole situation.

 

“Okay.”, Alexander seems reassured by my words. We kiss one last time languidly and softly, before I snuggle up to him again and together we drift off into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was it, I hope you liked it! I was trying to make this chapter a bit light-hearted, but at the same time also adressing Alec's issue and making some progress. Admitting that he needs help is the first step to feeling better so it is a big step to accomplish. I look forward to write the process and the ongoing journey between Alec and Magnus. Hope to see you soon again!  
> Sending you all much love :)


	12. Don't be mad at yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is finally seeing a therapist and feel emotionally drained afterwards. He spends an evening in which turns out differently then he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! As promised I am this week back with a new chapter. I spend a lot of time writing it so I hope you enjoy it :) This week has been emotionally draining for me, just as Alec, but writing helped me a bit. 
> 
> Love,
> 
> Confettisprinkles

I look up to the building before me. I look to my phone again to check the address. This should be it. Mental health Center NY. 248 Mercer Street. It is an enormous skyscraper in the neighborhood of NYU. Normally I would pass the building on my way to class, but this one never brought the attention to me. When I did therapy sessions before I went to a different organization, but as Magnus and I looked up some good recommendations this was the one on top of the list. After calling several organizations to make an appointment for a first meeting, this one felt good right away, so I decided to give it a go. So here I am, procrastinating to go in...

 

When I woke up yesterday morning I really hoped Magnus would have forgotten our conversation in bed, so I could pretend nothing happened and I wouldn’t have to dread this awful meeting. Unfortunately he has a good memory - well only when it concerns me apparently because he did forget he had to turn in an assignment on monday. So after our little investigation Magnus had to go home and pulled an all nighter to finish all his work last night - well that’s what I made out of his snapchats of coffee cups at 3 AM. 

 

I felt guilty because if it wasn’t for me or my stupid problems, he wouldn’t have forgotten his work in the first place. But Magnus kept reassuring me that it was his own fault and he normally would procrastinate till the last moment as well so it didn’t matter to him. 

 

I was sad to say goodbye because last week we spent so much time together and it felt strange to sleep alone again. This night I woke up three times, one being at 3 AM when I received Magnus’s notification, but I decided against alarming him of my terrible night, because I know that he needed to get this assignment done. I tried and tried again to fall asleep but it didn’t work. I felt so nauseous the whole time, thinking about today’s event. I ended up above the toilet and after spending half an hour there I made it back to bed to catch a few hours of light sleep. I didn’t tell Magnus because I didn’t want to worry him. So after only a couple hours of sleep I decided to get up at 5 and do some preparatory work for class as well. I am on top of things again, which I appreciate, but I prefer sleeping for heaven’s sake. I have only been awake for a few hours now, but I still feel half asleep. I hope I do not look too much like a zombie and not disgust my therapist. 

 

I made Magnus promise that he and I only would see each other again when he has catched up on all his tasks and if he tries to lie to me I told him I will text Caterina because she will burn him alive - his words not mine - if he doesn’t get through this semester with decent grades. 

 

I however had to promise in return that I would go to my therapy session and will tell him how it went. So here I am, trying to delay the inevitable. 

 

I look on my phone again and see I’ve just ten minutes left so I hurry inside to the fourth flour. As I walk out of the elevator I notice a waiting room so I sit down and wait. 

After a few moments a woman in a lilac suit walks in. She has blond hair up high in a  ponytail and is very long. I am the only one in the waiting room, so she must come for me. 

 

She comes closer as she speaks to me, “Mister Lightwood?”, I nod curtly to her. 

 

“Welcome! Miss Blackthorn is ready for you!”, she beckons me forward with her hand, “Follow me her office is this way.”

 

We walk through a long corridor. There are some big colorful abstract paintings on the wall as well as some posters with inspirational quotes - they are all very cheesy so I am not going to repeat them. At the end there is a blue door and the blond lady - Lydia as her name card says - knocks on the door. A woman’s voice on the other side of the door responds immediately, “Come in!”

 

Together we walk into the room and I notice bright yellow shades on the walls. She must love a colorful environment. t does work though, because it radiates happiness. In the middle of the room lays a beautiful red Persian rug on the floor with some chairs on top off it. There is a big red couch with extremely soft looking pillows on one side of the room. On other side of the room there is a small kitchen with a kettle on the counter where Miss Blackthorn is making some tea at the moment. I still can’t see her face because she faces the counter. 

 

“Helen, mister Lightwood is here for his session.”

 

“Yes thank you dear”, Helen says as she turns around with two bug mugs in her hands. 

 

Lydia gives me another smile before she walks around of the room. 

 

“Welcome! Please have a seat!”, Helen tells me excitingly as she walks to one of the chairs. Now that I can see her face fully I notice how young she looks. Her brown hair frames her face nicely and has a kind expression. She can’t be older than 25. I am a little shocked because she is only a few years older than me and being a licensed therapist must have been a difficult studies to finish at such a young age and already work for this big company. 

 

I still feel slightly nervous because I have no idea what is going to happen today.

 

As Helen puts the mugs down at the coffee table, which is placed between the chairs and the couch, she finally starts to talk, “So this is your first time here, right?” I nodd. “Alright, well as you may know by know I am Helen Blackthorn, I have been working here for two years as a therapist and I hope to be your therapist in the future.” she smiles at me for a moment before she picks a notebook from her bag. 

 

“I thought it would be nice to start with some questions, nothing heavy for our first meeting, you can share with me what you feel like sharing. And then after our session you can decide whenever you prefer to do a follow-up session. How does that sound to you?”

 

I clear my throat before I speak, “Uh good I guess..”

 

She claps in her hands, “Wonderful! So it’s Alec right?”, I nodd again, “So Alec, tell me have you been to therapy before?”

 

I scratch my neck nervously, “Uhm yes I did actually, but uh- it didn’t go too well so I stopped going and well I thought it would be good to try it again.”

 

Helen hums, “Yes sometimes it can be very overwhelming to go to therapy sessions like this but the same goes for group session. Although I am glad you found the courage to try it again. You know, a lot of people don’t even try a second time, so you are already doing better by just coming here today.”

 

I nodd again. I knows why she says it, she wants to make me feel comfortable to come here and I want that too, but it isn’t that easy. I shouldn’t have to be proud of just showing up, though. It’s not supposed to be a good thing. 

 

Helen breaks my train of thoughts, “And I am curious, do any family members or friends know about your situation?”, Helen asks gently. I am a little confused by her question. Why on earth does it matter, I mean even if no one knew what difference does it make? What’s her point anyway?

 

Helen must notice my confusion, because she speaks up again before I answered her question. “You seem a little confused by this question, am I right?”. I just nodd to her. 

 

“Well it may help if someone knows about your situation. It will give you more freedom if you don’t have to pretend that you are going “‘somewhere”. I suppose you must think it doesn’t matter if someone knows because they cannot change anything about your situation you might think, but let me tell you that any support that you can have, might be a lifechanger.”

 

It actually makes sense what she is trying to tell me. I thought she would tear me down as why I didn’t come sooner and let it become so bad again, but it seems like she is actually trying to understand it from my perspective. 

 

“I- uh, my brother and sister know about my situation and uhm, Magnus my boyfriend, actually helped me pick a organization.”

 

Helen scrabbles something down on her notebook, “Good, I am glad to hear that. Would you like to tell me a little about your brother and sister?”

 

That’s an easy question. Talking about Izzy and Jace is like second nature to me, so I certainly don’t mind telling her.  I internally sign, so far so good. 

 

“Yes, Izzy, I mean Isabelle, my sister is achieving a model career at the moment and I think she is amazing. She attends fashion shows all around the world and has the most beautiful pictures. She is also very kind and if she is away I can always call her if I need her. Izzy seems like a tough woman, but from the inside she is very lovable and compassionate. She is one of the closest people in my life and I am very proud to call her my sister”, thinking about all the things Izzy already has accomplish makes me smile. “Jace is my brother and he, like Izzy, is always there for me or tries to cheer me up. He works at the gym so he loves to work out. He often drags me along and I enjoy it to spar together, even if he kicks my ass often.”, I chuckle because it reminds me of one time when I pretended I was so annoyed at Jace for pushing me to my limits and I pretended giving up by letting him win our wrestling match before I threw him out of the ring. I remember the shock on face. It was priceless. 

 

“So you can say you are very close with your siblings?”

 

“Yeah we always have been. Right know we live together in an apartment, here in Greenwich Village. It’s been almost two years since we left our parent’s home”. I don’t want to tell her why we left, but fortunately she doesn’t ask. “

 

“Good I am glad to hear you have a good relationship with your siblings.”, she smiles again. 

 

“And tell me, have you and Magnus been long together?

 

“No it’s only been one month, but it doesn’t matter to me, because he is the most important person in my life. Magnus and I just clicked from the beginning. He is amazing. The most understanding person I know and he has the biggest heart. He never ever even complains when I have a hard time. He definitely deserves a less chaotic life than he has with me, but he keeps telling me he doesn’t mind, because he loves me, as I do too.” I could go on about how perfect Magnus is, but then we would be here all day so I decide to leave it at that. 

 

Helen hums again, “He indeed sounds like a wonderful guy, but what do you mean by chaotic, if I may ask?”

 

“Uhm well I mean it often feels like a roller coaster ride. One moment we have so much fun together and I feel so happy, but the next I feel suddenly terrible. And it has nothing to do with Magnus. It’s just my feelings”, I shrug, “But because of my emotions our nice moments get interrupted and he has to accept that I don’t feel well all of a sudden, he doesn’t deserve these constant mood swings, but deals with them anyway and I feel terrible for him that he has to.” Once I started explaining the words just keep rolling out of my mouth. 

 

It feels scary to admit, but it is true. Magnus shouldn’t have to deal with all this crap while he could be happier without me. Before I can think more awful things Helen speaks up again. 

 

“So you feel like you are hurting him, because of the way you feel?” 

 

“Yes.”, I tell her. 

 

“And do you know what he thinks about him having to experience your mood swings?”

 

“Well he tells me all the time he is there for me no matter what, so I guess he must not agree with me.”  _ You think so. Wow genius.  _

 

“And do you believe him? That he cares about you and will help you no matter what, as you say?”

 

“I want to, because I want to trust him, but it’s hard because I tell myself other things.”

 

“Could you share with me what things you tell yourself? Only if you feel comfortable sharing.”

 

I contemplate it for a moment, because it does feel very intimate to share these things with a stranger I just met. But at the same time it feels safe, because she doesn’t know me and if I don’t want I don’t have to see her again, ever. I want to be helped this time for real but I will not share everything at once, that I do know. So I start off with only a little. 

 

“It’s like.. it’s this constant fear. Fear that I will do something wrong and then before I do something wrong, I will tell myself how it will happen and how wrong everything is going to be. How I will disappoint the others, so it is better to just stay in or avoid people.”, Once I started telling her, I blurted everything out. 

 

“Okay and when you do feel like that, are there times when someone else is around?”

 

“Most of the time I will be alone, because only then I let these thoughts in my head, but sometimes someone will enter my room or something, like Magnus, he has found me several times panicking.” Thinking back to the first time Magnus walked in on me in the living room makes me sad again.

 

“And what happens when Magnus finds you? Do the things that you tell yourself come true?”

 

Well shit. Now that I really think about it, it didn’t happen once. Helen must notice my sudden lack of words.

 

“Alec you must understand that it is not wrong to only realize certain things now. It’s actually a good thing, because now you can see things differently when before you couldn’t. So don’t be mad at yourself for trying to be a better person.”

 

I know she is right, but is hard to forgive yourself so easily. 

 

I exasperatedly breath out, “No it doesn’t happen. Every time Magnus stays with me until I am calmed down. And after that he tells me that it is okay and he will help me. I feel like I don’t have to pretend with Magnus around, like I don’t have to be ashamed of my sadness.”

 

“Good. I think Magnus is a very good person for you to have around. It seems like he genuinely cares about you and I think you should embrace that and let him in. I know that’s an easy thing to say, but I am sure you can work on it. I have faith that you will be able to, once you set your mind on it.”

 

This woman is so wise, goddamnit. I don’t want to speak up right now because she is right and I can’t deny it, so I just nod at her. 

 

“Alright I think that were enough questions for one day. We can continue if you feel like sharing something else.”, she asks me without any judgement in her voice. 

 

“No I think I am good right now.”, I tell her not unkindly and actually relieved that the hard part is now over. 

 

“Although I do have one last task for you.”, she tells me after she scribbles the last notes down. 

 

I look at her face, very intrigued by her mysterious task.

 

She suddenly stands up and walk to one of the dressers I didn’t notice before, next to the door. She takes out another notebook and gives it to me. 

 

“Alec, I want you to write down how you feel during the whole week. You just can write down whatever you feel like. Maybe some stories about your days, the food you ate, the activities you did, or the people you talked to. I want you to focus on your emotions through all of these things and also write out every thought that you feel like “emptying” out of your brain. You can just write random thoughts about yourself and your feelings, as long as you feel lighter when you finish. Think of it as a diary.”

 

Looking at the notebook in my hand I slowly nod to her. Alright I think I can manage that. 

 

“I am not asking you to fill the whole book, but maybe try writing in it everyday for ten minutes. I promise you, after a few days it will get easier to do.”

 

“Alright, I will try.”, I tell her.

 

She smiles at me again, “Good, now I will call you next week to ask if you want to make another appointment. I can see there are still a lot of things we can talk about and I look forward to learn more about you and the ones you care about, Alec.”

 

“Yes, It was nice to meet you, miss Blackthorn.”, I smile back at her. This was definitely a weird experience, but I also feel somehow glad I went anyway. 

 

“Oh please call me Helen, you know we are almost of the same age. “, she tells me kindly while winking at me.

 

I chuckle at that and extend my hand to her while I stand up. 

 

She shakes my hand, “I hope to see you soon again Alec.”. We move to the door as she tells me, “I hope you have a great day Alec and I wish you good luck with the notebook.”

 

As I walk out of the door I tell her, “You too Helen.”, before I step into the corridor again. 

 

\-----------------

 

I have been back home from my session with Helen for a couple hours and I haven’t touched the notebook. While I walked out of that blue door I was actually very optimistic, but once I was home I got in a very bad mood again and threw the notebook in one of my dressers out of sight. I don’t want to disappoint Helen, as I am still sure I want to see her again, but right now I couldn’t care less about the stupid notebook. 

 

Magnus and I have been texting, but I didn’t let much on how it went, because I didn’t feel like sharing without seeing him in person. I promised I will tell him and I will, but not right now. He said his assignment went great and he finished it in time. Caterina has checked it and was very positive, he told me, so that’s a good sign. Magnus didn’t sleep last night as well so he texted me he would be away for a few hours, catching up on some sleep. 

 

Right now I am watching some shitty TV while Church lays in my lap asleep. I stroked his belly until he purred and then he snuggled up to me. Oh how I wished I could catch some sleep too, but at the moment I feel wide awake. My thoughts are running around like crazy in my brain so I definitely can’t have a calm nap even if my life depended on it. 

 

Izzy and Jace aren’t home for another couple hours because of their shift at Maia’s. Jace works part-time at Maia’s and part-time at the gym to make a decent amount of money. Izzy started working at Maia’s a few months after Jace did, because Maia had trouble finding new staff. Izzy offered to work there until she found some new employers but now she loves to be able to help customers. She said she misses that part in the fashion industry so she works there whenever she is around and not busy shooting or attending a fashion show.

 

I was always very busy with my Literature studies and couldn’t handle anymore stress so I decided not to work there as well. I am still very busy sometimes but not as much as I used to be. After an awful semester of never ending working days and pulling all nighters most days of the week Izzy encouraged me to go see the study advisor. After delaying making an appointment Izzy had enough and made one for me. The man told me to slow down - just like Izzy told me to do, which she repeatedly rubbed in my face - and he advised me to take less courses. Otherwise I would definitely sit at home with a burn out, he told me. So I decided to add a little less pressure to my everyday life. I still do as much as I can, but also make more time for myself. At least I try to. Izzy and Jace still tell me to slow down sometimes, but it’s getting better. 

 

I still haven’t heard from mom again, which is very strange as she seemed very excited to meet up again. I however didn’t look very much forward to it, so I think I will let it rest for a bit. I know I should text or call her, but right now I certainly don’t feel like it. 

 

It’s already half past six in the evening and I still haven’t cooked, but I am not hungry any way. Outside it rains very heavily - the perfect weather to wrap myself in a blanket and watch some Netflix. Before I chill on my bed I take a much needed, long warm shower. Half an hour later I finally jump into my bed. It’s already dark outside because it’s only February but I decide against putting on the lights. I prefer sitting in the dark sometimes. I look for my laptop but remember it’s still in the living room where I used it early in the morning to get some work down for my paper. 

 

Too tired to get up again I just decide to try to take a nap. 

 

\-------------------------

 

It’s very bright in my room when I open my eyes. I see Izzy standing next to door as she switches on the light,“Hey sleepy head! Finally I have been trying to wake you for ten minutes!”

 

I groan, “Do you have to blind me?”, I squint my eyes trying to avoid the sudden brightness.

 

“Well obviously, since I have been trying as I was just saying.”, she rolls her eyes. 

 

“Anyway get up, I ordered us some food.”, she says excitingly.

 

“Why are you here anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be at Maia’s?”

 

“Yes I did, but Maia told me she didn’t need me tonight so I got a free evening.”, she shrugs.

 

“So I decided to make my dear brother some food - well order.”, she continues, ”I noticed you weren’t in the kitchen and the lights were off so I figured you weren’t home, but then I knew you wouldn’t be at Magnus’ so you had to be here and I was right.”, she sounds very happy that she was indeed right. 

 

But then she starts to realise something and looks at me with wide eyes, “Alec, why are you in bed anyway? Are you sick? Should I get some pain killers and order some soup in stead? Are you feeling hot? Or cold? Wait a minute I will get my blanket as well bef-” Izzy started rambling but I cut her off by holding up my hand, 

“Izzy, I am fine, I just haven’t slept last night so I figured I could take a nap.”

 

“Oh. Good. Are you sure though?”, she still looks concerned but she must believe I am not sick, because she doesn’t start running around, like a concerned mother hen she used to do whenever Jace or I was sick. 

 

“Yeah, what are we eating?”, I tell her to reassure her.

 

I slowly get out of bed and put on a long sleeved shirt to stay warm. 

 

“I ordered us chinese and it’s going to arrive just about now.”, and at that moment the doorbell rings and she runs back to living room to go get to the delivery man. 

 

When that woman is hungry you better hurry or you are going to have a rough time, I am telling you. 

 

When I was dressed warmly in comfortable clothes I walk to the kitchenette where I found Izzy getting some cutlery and fixing us some drinks. 

 

I take the bag with food to the coffee table and we sit down on the couch. 

 

Izzy plates up two dishes full of food and hands one to me, “So tell me how was your day?”

 

I sign out exasperatedly, “honestly good and bad.”

 

Izzy looks up to me, “How so?”, she asks before she takes a bite of her food, “O my god this is so good! I am proud of myself for choosing this.”, she smiles happily. 

 

I roll my eyes at her playfully, “say that again when you cook.”

 

“Hey!”, Izzy pokes me in my belly, “but for real why good and bad?”

 

I scratch my neck nervously, because I haven’t told Izzy that I was going back to therapy, as Magnus was the only one who knew and that was only since yesterday. I know I don’t have to be ashamed but I feel stupid, nonetheless to tell her about it. 

 

“Well I have been seeing a therapist today...”

 

Izzy almost chokes on her food when I tell her, “What Alec! O my goodness that’ so great! I am so proud of you brother!” 

 

Of course she doesn’t mind. I give her a small smile, “Thanks Izz.”

 

“No really Alec this is a big step! Does Magnus know?”, she asks curiously.

 

“Yeah we actually searched together yesterday for the best therapists in the neighborhood.”’

 

“Yes I thought he knew, but that’s okay he totally should help you anyway so I am glad he did.”, Izzy tells me ad I can feel she is not mad at me for not telling sooner.

 

“Yeah I don’t think I would have gone if it wasn’t for Magnus pushing me.”, I tell her honestly.

 

“So how did it go?”, she asks hesitantly, probably putting the pieces together.

 

“Well I haven’t slept last night so I felt extremely tired this morning, but it went surprisingly good. Before I went I was so nervous I almost bailed out.”, I tell her.

 

“But that’s only normal Alec, it’s been a while since you have been to any therapy, you know. As long as you feel good afterwards it’s totally worth it.”

 

I nod, “I did, the woman, Helen, was very nice to me. She is actually just a few years older me, which surprised me.  At first I thought she was only acting to be all lovely before she was going to tell me how fucked up I am, but I felt like she understand what I was trying to tell her.”

 

“Good I am so glad you had a nice person to talk to, she sounds like the right person.”, Izzy says while she plates up some more food, “I am glad you told me Alexander, you know that you can talk to me about anything, so I really appreciate it bro.”, she said smiling at me.

 

I am really happy she takes it so well, but I don’t want to tell Izzy more about what we talked. I guess I can tell her about my assignment, though. I would rather forgo the whole notebook, but if Izzy knows maybe she has some tips on it too.

 

“I also got some homework to do this week. I uh have to write down my feelings and thoughts during the whole week.” I tell her, not exactly very excited by that exercise.

 

“I think that might be very good for you to do.”, Izzy thinks it over.

 

“I mean you don’t like to talk about your feelings so maybe writing them down makes it easier to let it out.”

 

It makes sense when she puts it that way.

 

“Yeah I think you are right, I think I will give it a go tomorrow.”

 

“But anyway enough about me, how have you been doing sis? Any new projects coming up?”, I ask her and her whole face lights up by the question.

 

“Yes!! I am so excited for this month! I have been told this morning that I am going to do a photoshoot at the end of the month in LA! The whole team is going to fly there for two weeks and we are going to shoot a catalog for a new online fashion brand. The name is still a secret but they told me I am going to be on the banner of the website and also on the cover of one of the catalogs for the limited edition collection. While we are there they are also going to interview me and I cannot wait Alec!””

 

“Izz that’s amazing, I am so happy for you!”, and I really am. She deserves to have these big opportunities. Izzy works very hard to achieve her dream of being a model and getting recognition for her work is what she deserves.

 

“But there is only one small problem.”, she tells me sadly.

 

“What is it?”, having no clue about what makes her so unsure suddenly.

 

“Well, we were supposed to have dinner with mom this week, but she called me yesterday at work to cancel, because she had a unexpected business trip. She wanted to reschedule it to the end of the month, but now I am not able anymore to join you. And I don’t want you to have to deal with her alone.”

 

“Not alone, I still have Jace.”, I counter.

 

“No Alec, we are all going or no one is going.”, she tells me sternly, “I mean it, you don’t have to deal with her bullshit on your own. I know you are trying to reconnect but that doesn’t mean she has the permission to infiltrate into your life again and make a mess, when she is going to try and behave all of a sudden motherly. Like last time when she tried to let you quit your studies so you can get a ‘decent job’ not a future as a writer. The audacity she has,  _ unbelievable _ , she  _ knows _ you love Literature! I mean how can she even ask that of you?!”, Izzy gets very worked up about mom and I don’t want to see her getting more angry. It’s just not worth it. So I try to calm her.

 

“Izz,” I put my hand on hers, “If you don’t want me to go without you then I won’t okay? Don’t worry, we will reschedule alright? I have to admit I wasn’t looking forward to it either.”, I tell Izzy too embarrassed to look her in the eye.

 

Now Izzy puts her hand on mine, “Hey it’s okay to not jump right back into a normal relationship with her. You should take your time. She fucked up and she knows it now. I know she regrets it and I understand it’s hard for her too, but you deserve to be loved Alec and if she tries one more time to hurt you I am going to tell her the truth just like I did with dad. So don’t beat yourself up about it, it takes time, okay? It will get better only if mom is putting effort in too.”

 

“Yeah you’re right, I shouldn’t worry about it.”

 

“Damn right, now why don’t we clean up this food and then watch some movie.”

 

“Alright BUT we are not going to watch To All The Boys I Loved Before again Izzy.”

 

Izzy whines, “But I need some Noah Centineo right now!!! It’s not my fault he is so hot.”

 

I roll me eyes at her and chuckle. Next, I crossed my arms and gave her a look that said it’s not up for debate.

 

Izzy threw her hands in the air dramatically, “Fineeee, how about Mowgli?”

 

After we cleaned the coffee table and kitchen we ended up watching Mowgli - the old and the new one for good measure. We were wrapped in blankets, made some hot chocolate and ate way too much popcorn. I missed these nights so much. Just hanging out with Izzy and laughing together. These are the best moments, because I have no time to think about the terrible things and too busy having fun. It’s been too long. I am glad we did it again. Izzy seems to enjoy herself too as she fondly smiles the whole time.

 

It was about midnight when Jace came home and noticed us laying on the couch. He squeezed himself between us like he always did when he was younger. As little kids Jace and Izzy always sneaked into my room to have a sleepover. We succeeded most of the time and spend all night talking and laughing about all the ridiculous stories Jace made up. Sometimes mom caught us and made them go to their own beds, but other times when she was in a extremely good mood she would let it slip and let them stay all night. Those were the best nights of our childhood. Right know Jace snuggles up under one of the blankets, when we were in the middle of the second movie. Jace ate most of the second - or third? - batch of popcorn, but we didn’t mind. It was nice to be together for once again.

 

The credits of the second movie were playing on the screen and it is around 3 A M. The three of us were still awake, which does not happen very often as Jace has the ability to fall asleep during the second half of a film whenever we watch something. This time it didn’t happen, though. We silently lay on the couch for awhile, feeling very sleepy but not ready to move to bed. This night has been so nice I don’t want it to end, because when it ends the terrible feelings have to come back and I have to go back to my awful reality of life. Suddenly a wave of guilt wells up in me. Why do I have to feel so terrible when I had so much fun? I don’t want too but tears well up in my eyes and I try to silently sniff, because I don’t want Jace and Izzy noticing my sudden change in behavior. But I know I miserably failed, when Jace turns his face to me.

 

“Hey buddy,  what’s wrong?”

 

I brush the tears that rolled on my cheeks away with the sleeve of my T-shirt.

 

“I-I just missed nights like these. I missed you guys.”

 

“We are not going anywhere Alec. Ever.”, Jace tells me.

 

“We love you Alec.”, Izzy tunes in.

 

“And I love you guys.”

 

It’s moments like these that I really appreciate with them. It’s so easy because we don’t need to have long conversations to know that they will always support me as I will support them.

 

Jace and Izzy must agree, because they exchange some looks and stand up from the couch to sit beside me and then envelop me  a big group hug. We don’t need the words, all we need is the action to prove it.

 

\-----------------------

Around 10 AM the next morning I wake up to the sound of my phone vibrating. I push myself up on the couch and notice Izzy and Jace are already gone. I also have a pillow under my head and a decent cover that Izzy must have gotten out of my room before she left.  On the table there is also a small note from Izzy:  _Breakfast is waiting for you in the kitchen, We love You. She is a_ lways so thoughtful.

 

I get my phone to see why it is making so much noise.

 

**Magnus is calling**

 

I haven’t spoken to him in person since sunday and I feel a little bit guilty that I haven’t texted him last night.

 

_ You idiot after all the help he gave you, you just ignored him. You are such a lousy boyfriend. _

 

I decide to pick up because Magnus deserves to hear from me rather sooner than later.

 

“Well goodmorning darling!”, Magnus answered the call cheerily. Oh I guess he isn’t mad at me?

 

“Hi”, I tell him with a crooked, sleepy voice, smiling at his pet name. I would never admit it out loud but I love it when he calls me that.

 

“Alexander, are you sleeping in on a tuesday?”, Magnus asked me with a fake shocked voice.

 

“Uhm well yeah, it’s was getting late last night and I didn’t have to set an alarm, soo...”

 

“And on what adventures have you been going last night that made you forget your precious schedule?”, Magnus asked knowing he smirks. He always teases me about how much discipline I have and how I love to plan everything in advance. We are opposites in that way. Magnus procrastinates until the last moment - as sunday night was an example. So now knowing I did something more spontaneously he definitely is going to hold it against me in the future.

 

“Izzy and I ordered some food last night and watched a Mowgli movie marathon and Jace joined the second half. It was really nice, but yeah it got very late.”, I tell him somewhat nervously because if I could watch a movie I could have texted him as well right?

 

“I am glad you had a great evening, Alexander.”, still there is no sign of agitation.

 

“But the reason I called was of course that I want to see you in person. Soooo could you be a gentleman and open the door for me please?”

 

Magnus is here? Right now? I couldn’t be more surprised. I rush to the front door and see Magnus with two cups of coffee on a tray and the phone in his other hand. He smiles his bright smile to me and I return it. I rush forward and kiss him hard on the lips. He almost loses his balance because of my sudden movement. At first he is shocked by my kiss, but then he melts into my touch and returns my kiss.

 

Too caught up in the moment the coffee almost spills on the floor and Magnus breaks the kiss.

 

“Someone is eager to see me.”, he looks at me mischievously.

 

“Of course I am. I missed you Magnus”, I tell him while taking over the tray with coffee and gesture to him to come in. He smiles warmly and pecks me on my cheek before he enters the house, “I missed you too darling.”.

 

We are such saps, it’s only been a day and a half and we are already acting as if we are going to cripple from the absence of the other, but I don’t care because I want to be with him as much as possible.  

 

This couldn’t be a better start of my day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope this one was satisfying for you! Feel free to comment :) I would love to have some feedback. Also if you are ever in the mood to talk to someone or whatever, feel free to let me know. Would love to be there for you or talk about anything that interests you. Anyhow, in the meantime I will be working on the next chapter. I promise I will do my best but I cannot guarantee when the next one is coming (definitely this month but I do not know when).  
> I hope you have an amazing week! Also I cannot wait for Shadowhunters 3B!! The trailer and bloopers and aaah I am so excited :)


	13. This gift called life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus spend a wonderful time together and they both realize some things. Lots of fluff!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I am really really really sorry I didn't keep my word to upload a new chapter. It's been awhile since I last wrote something. I couldn't find any inspiration and felt like I wasn't in the right mind to write. The last few weeks I realized some things myself and was inspired to write again. I truly hope you will like this small chapter :) 
> 
> As this was the first fanfic I ever wrote I feel like it's total rubbish, but I certainly did enjoy the writing process, as well as the comments and kudos you gave me, it truly means the world to me. At the end of the day, if I can make a few minutes of your day more enjoyable by reading this, than that's the best I can wish for. I wanted to write somewhat a final chapter, but didn't know what to include and what not so I just went with what felt right.  
> Again thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful weekend, week, day, whenever you read this. 
> 
> Lots of love,
> 
> Confettisprinkles

It’s been a full week since I properly spoke to Alexander face to face. We both have been very busy due to the upcoming midterms. I spend my days mostly in the library and only take breaks to eat. Cat, the bestest of best friends you could wish for, takes great care of me. In times like these I tend to forget human basics and Cat makes it her responsibility to feed me properly by cooking me some nice fresh dish in my kitchen.  

 

Alexander himself has also been working very hard to stay on top of his dozen projects and the only time we could spend together was by meeting in the library. We haven’t talked very much though, as we did have to stay quiet. Every time we finish around midnight, both very exhausted from the long days, and too exhausted to do anything else than sleep. I spent a couple nights at his place, but everytime I woke up in the morning he was already gone, either to go to college or doing his morning run. 

 

I, however, choose to sleep in as long as possible before my alarm goes off around eight o’clock. This cycle has been repeating itself a couple days up until this point. We are both half way through our exams and decided to take a break at Maia’s. 

 

Alexander is currently getting some coffee and stands before the counter. He is talking to Maia who dropped by the shop a few minutes ago. Alexander laughs all the time and Maia can’t stop either. I love seeing Alexander around his friends. It’s where he is the most comfortable. Right now his features are relaxed and I can’t help but wish that this happy moment last for him. The last few weeks have been very stressful, first he started with therapy again and now the exams are taking up a lot of time. When he had his first session I was afraid he didn’t like it and would quit soon. It’s not that I don’t believe he doesn’t want to get better or that I think he is not capable of getting better, but Alexander is a very private person, so to open up to a stranger must have taken a lot of courage to even consider as a real option. I couldn’t be more proud of him the evening he trusted me to share his ideas about getting help. 

 

The first couple of sessions have been kind of weird he told me, but the good kind of weird. Lydia, his therapist, seems from what he told me, a nice lady who understands him very well. Alexander told me that her talks have been an eye opener for him. He has learned a lot about himself and why he feels the way he feels. I can notice it does get better. Alexander’s shoulders aren’t tense all the time and he smiles more. It’s like he doesn’t have to have his guard up all the time and he isn’t afraid to breathe anymore. I think he allows himself to just be and do more of whatever makes him happy. Granted, he is only human and can’t be happy all the time, there are still times when he gets sad or doesn’t know how to move forward, but he lets me in more often and lets me talk to him, even if he doesn’t have to say a word. 

 

My thoughts get interrupted when two cups appear right in front of me. Alexander takes a chair across from my place. 

 

“Hey”, Alexander says softly while he keeps smiling at me. 

 

“Hey yourself”, I take one of the cups and take a sip only to grimace seconds later when I notice it’s just black coffee. 

 

Alexander chuckles, “if you just waited a second I would’ve handed you your own coffee.”

“Yeah well my coffee level was running low after two hours of no coffee and mind you that IS way too long in these dire times.”, I exasperately sighed. 

 

Alexander changes the cups and takes a sip of his own. His other hand lays on the table, which I take into mine.

 

“But I do am very grateful for finally seeing my tall, dark and handsome boyfriend after a full week!”

 

Alexander almost spit out his coffee when he heard my compliment. I laugh at him. Oh why is he so cute. The boy still isn’t used to my pet names. It’s my job to make sure one day he isn’t so surprised anymore by the names I call him, because all the descriptions are very much true. I promise I am not the least bit biased. 

 

After Alexander caught his breath he tells me: “Yeah I missed you too.” and then when an idea seems to pop into his head, “You know, why don’t you come over tonight, make some diner together and then watch a movie or something.”

 

“Or something, huh?”, I wiggle my eyebrows at him, which makes him blush again. This cuteness is going to be the death of me some day. 

 

Done teasing I stand up and tell him: “I think that is an excellent idea Alexander, I would love to come over.”

 

Alexander’s eyes lit up for a second by my answer before he looks confused.

 

“Uh, Mags, where are you going?”

 

“Oh don’t worry dear I have to get some of these amazing looking cupcakes, they have been staring at me the whole time and I can’t help myself.”

 

Alexander seems visibly relieved and shakes his head, before he cracks up. “Alright, but get me a brownie, okay?”

 

“Coming right up!”, I tell him with my back to him, already gazing over all the delicious goodies behind a glass, almost certain Alexander is staring at me and my ass, and I don't mind one bit.

 

\------

We spend almost two hours at Maia’s, not even close to running out of conversation, just like the first time we met. We haven’t seen each other only for a week, but it feels like a lifetime. I can’t have enough of moments like these. Where we just talk about anytime that comes to mind, talking about nothing or like when we are suddenly in deep conversation about why it is unfair that dogs don’t see color the way we do. With Alexander it doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Even as the depression is lurking around the corner, we can still have so much fun together and talk about utter nonsense. 

  
  


As it is getting closer to spring it was still light outside when we walked out of the door. 

“Why don’t we walk to my place? It’s such nice weather after all.”, Alexander suggest while he take his arm out to take my hand into his.

 

“I can’t agree more with you darling.”

 

We walked a few blocks before we stood before Alexander’s place. When we entered, Izzy rushed out of the door.

 

“Hi Magnus! Good to see you it’s been awhile! I would love to talk but I am already late, see you later guys!!.”, she waved and off she went. 

 

As we walk into the apartment I tell Alexander, "Your sister is almost as adorable as you, darling".

 

“Hey! I am not adorable!”, Alexander pouted. 

 

I raised my eyebrows to challenge him, “Excuse me but my boyfriend is the cutest human being on the planet and that is not even up for debate.”

 

“Well in that case you must let him know.”, Alexander says flirtingly. 

 

“I just d-”, before I can even finish my sentence Alexander rushes forward and pressed his lips onto mine to kiss me softly and slowly but turned out to be a passionate long kiss. After a minute we break apart to catch our breaths.

 

I lean into his chest and wraps my arms around his waist. He does the same and hugs me tightly. 

 

“I missed this too.”, Alexander whispers, a little out of breath.  

 

After getting distracted a few more times by his lips I pulled away after Alexander’s stomach rumbled like he didn’t eat in two whole days. 

 

“Hungry, love?”

 

Alexander tried to pull me back, “hungry for you.”

 

“Ha nice try, although I do love where this is going, I am getting hungry too.”, I chuckled at Alexander’s sad expression, because he didn’t get what he wanted, acting like a little kid. Again, he is too adorable to handle. 

 

“I am sure we have more time to do whatever you like, after we are done.”, I smirked. 

 

And with that Alexander rushed to the kitchenette. 

I did know that Izzy is not allowed to even enter the kitchen at certain times, like when they throw a party and there has to be served some food, but I did  _ not _ know how good of a chef Alexander actually is. He cooked up some  _ Tagliolini agli scampi,  _ as he told me with a thick fake Italian accent. I swear Alexander must have some distant Italian cousins or something because this is just as good - or maybe even better than - as the pasta I ate in Rome when I was there on holiday a few years ago. I dished up two plates for us and came back for round two when there was still some left over., because it was too damn good to go to waste. 

 

Alexander had filled our glasses with red wine as we crashed down on the sofa, both feeling very satisfied by all the delicious food. 

 

“So what do you want to watch?”

 

I think for a moment but decide I it really doesn’t matter to me right now. As long as I can sit in the arms of my love, I think I can watch everything. Even Star Wars. Simon would love me if I ever told him that, but I decide I will never admit that to him in person. 

 

“You choose, I don’t have a preference right now.”, I smile warmly at him. 

And thus we watch some comedy Alec picked out. I settle between his legs as he wraps his arms around me. I cuddle up to him before I manage to get in a comfortable position. 

 

“You are the most amazing pillow I have ever had, I think I might stay have to here forever.”

 

Alexander chuckles softly before he cards his hand through my hair. 

“Then stay.”

 

My heart melts at his words. I can feel he means it, not just for the night, but for as long as I want and I do want that as well. I don’t remember feeling so in love with someone before. I think Alexander might be it, not just for now but for life. I know it’s easy to think things like that in this honey moon phase we are currently in, but I don’t think this will wear off after some time. And I think Alexander feels the same way. I turn halfway to nuzzle my face into the place underneath his collarbone. 

 

“I love you, Alexander.”

 

He wraps his arms tighter around me and kissed the back of my head.

 

“I love you too, Magnus.”

 

And like that, we slowly doze off into sleep.

 

\---------------

 

“Aleeecc!”

 

“Aleeeec!”

I bolt awake from the couch where I apparently have been sleeping. I have a feeling it was more than just a quick nap, judging by the way it was already dark outside, when I look outside the window.

 

“Alexander I swear-” 

 

I hear Magnus’ voice coming closer but then sound is drowned out when I hear a big thump, like something is falling on the floor. 

 

I look around, but I don’t see Magnus,  “Magnus?! Where are you?”

 

I hear him chuckling as he comes from behind the couch.

 

“I am right here darling, I tripped on your bag.”

 

I blink and the next moment Magnus stands before me, “I need a get well kiss on my head please.”, he smirks as he points to his forehead. 

 

I smirk back to him, he seems in a “Well I can’t deny that, can I?”

 

To tease him I only give a quick peck on his forehead before I stand up. Magnus’ face drops in a second and pouts. 

 

“Is there something wrong?” I ask him innocently, fully aware why he frowns at me like that.

 

Magnus squints his eyes at me, before he smirks mischievously and then after an instant his face returns to a neutral expression. 

 

“Nothing.”, he shrugs. 

 

I turn around again to get my bag, but before I get the change to take one step I get attacked from behind by Magnus who wraps his arms around my waist and throws me with him on the couch and tickles my sides.

 

“Ooh you fraud, thought you would get away with it didn’t you! Nah ah Lightwood, not going to happen.”, Magnus chuckles while I struggle to breathe between all the laughing. 

 

“Stop! Stop okay, I surrender! Please forgive me dear”, I tell him and eventually stop trying to get him to stop. 

 

Magnus stops as well and we just lay in each other’s arms while he brushes some hairs out of my sight. 

 

“Now can I please get a proper kiss mister Lightwood?”

 

I wait a second before I respond to pretend I am thinking about it, “Hmm yes I think I can manage that mister B-”.

 

Before I can finish my sentence Magnus latches his lips onto mine and closes the last distance. His lips are so soft, I take his plump bottom lip between my teeth. We share some intense kisses full passion, but change to soft small kisses after a while. After taking a break to breathe we just practically pant into each other’s mouths but neither of us seem to mind. I lean my forehead against his and my hand are still on his hips. Magns’ hands wander from my shoulder blades to the small of my back and keeps making small, soothing circles. 

 

“I love you Alexander.”, he whispers.

 

Everytime he tells me this I get a lump in my throat, I know I still struggle to grasp the idea that someone so wonderful like Magnus can love someone like, but I do know that he means it and will do everything in his power to let me know and appreciate me just the way I am. I couldn’t be more happy to share this feeling and give him the same amount of love, because he deserves it so much. 

 

I bring my hands to his forearms and kiss his temple. 

 

“I love you too Magnus.”

 

And at this moment I realize I don’t care what struggles I will face in the future, as long as we have each other we will face the world together. I know there is still a long way to go, but that’s just life isn’t it? There is never a point in life where you will be like: Okay, where I am right now I will stay forever. Because that’s not what humans do. We fail, we get up and move on. That’s how we grow and become better humans. We feel, we love, we fear, we run away, we come back and try again and again and again. Because there is always something bigger to achieve, something more beautiful to see, something new to learn. There will always be more to life. 

 

And when I think about it, it’s never in the future, it’s always in the present were I am the most alive, where I am the most happy. When I fully enjoy the moment there is nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. I think that’s the greatest lesson I learned at this stage in my life: life throws rocks at you, but as long as you get up and appreciate everything you  _ do _ have, everything will be fine in the end. 

 

So I do the only thing I can right now and that’s to fully enjoy this moment with the love of my life and I decide here and now that I will enjoy every single step of the way and make the best of this gift called life. 


End file.
